PSA: High Functioning Depression

Depression. When you think of it, you probably think of someone who is sad and crying all the time. Or you may think of someone who stays in bed all day and hides away from the world. Or you may immediately think of suicidal thoughts or attempts. And while these combined components can make up the diagnosis of depression, I submit to you that this is not always the picture of depression. While I am a mental health professional this blog is not written from a clinical perspective but an experiential one. So, here goes. 

I have dealt with the effects of depression for about 20 years now (man, that makes me feel old!). If you don't know me well, you probably would never even know that it's one of my struggles. But it is. And it's been amplified these last 3 months so that's why I have decided to talk about it. 

Over these last 20 years, I have become a Christian, allowed God to do major healing in my life, sought out and utilized Christian counseling services as well as pastoral counseling and have been on and off antidepressants. I have dealt with folks who told me that my depression was due to a lack of faith, that medication is a crutch and that I should just get over it. I have also encountered caring and compassionate people who have walked with me through many dark nights of the soul. 

But these last 3 months, I have been off of my depression medications due to a job change and waiting on insurance to kick in. I want to paint you a picture of what my life has looked like over the last 3 months in hopes of you being able to understand high functioning depression. 

The first month off of my medication wasn't super eventful. I went to work every day, adjusted to my new job with only minor difficulties and still participated in after work activities with friends/family. Towards the middle of the first month, I noticed I was getting teary eyed at commercials or TV shows. 

The second month, May, presented some additional challenges as I noticed an increased sense of hopelessness, fatigue, and more tears. I went to work daily but I could tell my days were getting harder emotionally and I felt completely drained. I still participated in some outside activities but they, too, were becoming more challenging. 

This last month has been the hardest. I have noticed an increase in tears, irritability, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, insomnia and frustration. I have pretty much gone to work and come home. i have been isolated and withdrawn.

If you'll go back and read the last 3 paragraphs, you'll see that I wrote, I NOTICED. I didn't say that other's noticed. That's not to say that people in my inner circle aren't aware or haven't paid attention. But the thing that's tricky about high functioning depression is that the person APPEARS fully functional. They go to work, they do their job well, they take care of their responsibilities but on the inside they are struggling. The changes for many are subtle at first but they become increasingly obvious as they retreat socially, isolate, withdraw, don't participate in the activities they once enjoyed, etc.

Thankfully, as of July 1, I am back on my medication! It will take a few weeks for it to kick in but the wait is over and I should get some relief soon. 

I want to encourage you to be a noticer and notice the people around you. As I said before, the changes are subtle but if you are aware of what to look for it makes it easier. A depressed person will most likely not make the same efforts socially as they once did so you may be a light for them in a very dark place. A depressed person will not always reach out for help for many reasons but, if you are observant, you could help them in more ways then you will ever know.  

Get Your Heart Right!

Over the last several months I became increasingly frustrated with my job. Staff changes, rule changes, bureaucracy and red tape brought me to my limit. My frustration led me to grumble and complain, not to very many people but to a few. It came to the point where I dreaded going to work due to a particular individual who had begun to show outright contempt for me (even my co-worker had started to notice). I had begun to look for a new job but to no avail. I received no interviews or phone calls despite completing many applications for jobs that I was more than qualified for. 

One Saturday, after a particularly dreadful week with lots of tension and hostility with this individual, I got down on the ground before the Lord with my face buried in the floor. (This is a very difficult task due to my back injury but that is kind of what makes this all even more powerful to me.) 

I began to express every frustration to God and my complaints regarding this particular individual. I told God, "I can't love them. You have to love them through me. You have to give me Your love for them." And then I prayed in the Spirit until I came to a place of peace. (The Holy Spirit really does give us the power we need for daily living but this is a topic for another day.) By the power of the Holy Spirit, I began to pray blessings over this individual, a person I had seen as my enemy. I prayed that they would be blessed in every possible way. The crazy thing was that I meant it!  I just had to get my heart right before God. 

Shortly after my prayer time, I began checking my phone for job postings. It seemed like suddenly there were more new postings than had been posted in a long time so I began applying.

Throughout that weekend, I found myself praying for this individual.  

On Monday, I went to work and encountered the person that I had spent the weekend praying for. They attempted to be cold towards me but by the power of God's Spirit, I was able to love on them and be extra kind despite the attempts to bring tension and chaos. Later that day, I received not one but two phone calls for job interviews!!

I went on one interview that Tuesday and was told that they would let me know something towards the end of the following week. But the next day (Wednesday) I got a call for a second interview with the director of the program for the following evening. 

Bad weather delayed my two interviews on Thursday but the following Tuesday I had a second interview with the company and by Thursday I was notified that I had gotten the job!

I firmly believe that the reason I have a new job now is because I got my heart right. God hates grumbling and complaining yet I do it more than I care to admit. But allowing Him to come in and change me, change my attitude, change my perspective is what makes all the difference in the world!

Maybe, you, like me, have a situation or person that has been causing you major frustration. My challenge to you is to get your heart right!  Not so that God will give you the thing you want. In my heart I had come to the place that if God never opened another door for a job, that I could be content right where I was. Getting your heart right simply means giving God access and permission to work in your heart and if we ask Him to change us, He most certainly will! That is where the true blessing is! 

So, GET YOUR HEART RIGHT! It will do you more good than you realize!

I Want the Isaac Not the Ishmael

Some days my heart is just so full and I have so much to share. And because I often process things out in my life by talking or writing, you guys get to be a part of that.
 
I'm single. There, I said it. For some of you that will come as a shock but it's true. You may have seen the cute Facebook posts of myself and my boyfriend (at the time) and we were quite cute together. We had a lot in common and fell in love quickly. So, quickly, in fact, that we were planning our wedding and our life together. And from the outside, it appeared to be a God thing on every account. Even for me, on the inside, it felt like a God thing. It felt like the desires of my heart were finally being fulfilled, to be someone's wife and helpmate. However, I am now single. I'll tell you more about that in a little bit.
 
In the book of Genesis (Chapters 15-17), we read about Abram and Sara, a couple who desperately wanted a child. Instead of waiting for the Lord to bring about His promise to Abram of becoming the father of many nations, Sara got tired of waiting and decided to make some things happen. She gave her slave, Hagar, to Abram to sleep with in the hopes that she would conceive and ultimately fulfill Sara's dream of becoming a mother and the promise made to Abram. Hagar did conceive and bore a son named Ishmael. And while Ishmael was a blessing from God to Hagar, he was not the way that God wanted to fulfill his promise to Abram. Eventually, Sara conceived and bore a son named Isaac, who was indeed the fulfillment of God's promise.

Now, I'm not going to expound on that a whole lot because I think you get the idea and you can read the account for your self.

Back to my story. While, I don't actually think I made the relationship happen between me and my now ex, I can very much relate to the above story. Like I said before, if you were an onlooker, it looked like the perfect match. We both loved Jesus. We had the same views on major life issues (abortion, marriage, child rearing, etc.) His son loved us both together and really liked me.

However, there were 2 major beliefs that he held that I did not agree with. And while I could have just overlooked them, they were MAJOR spiritual belief issues for me (you don't really need to know what they were).

One Sunday morning at church, I began wrestling with the Lord about those issues. I tried to convince myself that the issues weren't as major as I was making them out to be. But I couldn't get away from the fact that they were non-negotiable issues for me and to ignore them would ultimately be to deny major parts of who I am as a believer. After much prayer and wrestling, I knew I had to end the relationship.

This relationship, I believe was my Ishmael. It looked like God, it felt like God, but it was not God's best for me. It taught me a lot about myself, it taught me even more about God's protection and grace.

All of that to say, I want the Isaac not the Ishmael. And my prayer is that you do to. Don't try to make something happen and don't fight for something that God wants you to lay down. He will honor you and bless you for your obedience and your willingness to wait for the promise to be fulfilled.

Choose Wisely

Over the last few days, the power of choice has been on my mind and heart. Particularly in the realm of my attitude. Yesterday, I came across this quote:

 

"I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day to day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important that my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position.

 

Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley to deep, no dream to extreme, no challenge too great for me."-Charles R. Swindoll

 

 

I have had some very challenging experiences here lately which have impacted me greatly. My immediate reaction, sadly, is a fleshly one, to become frustrated or upset over the circumstances. However, here lately, I am learning the power of quickly switching to a godly reaction instead. I mean, it would be fabulous if the godly reaction was my first reaction but I am still very much a work in progress. So, how does this work? Well, it's all about choosing wisely.

 

Philippians 4:8 tells us this, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. 

 

2 Corinthians 10:5 says to, "Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."

 

These 2 verses tell me that I have a choice in my attitude. I can focus on my circumstances and become frustrated by them or I can focus on the Creator and His character.

 

Last Friday, I had a super frustrating day. It was literally, one issue after another. (I'll spare you the details- but just know I was in tears.) I wanted to have a pity party and be Negative Natalie. But I knew that wouldn't do me a lick of good. So, instead I began to encourage myself in the Lord. This is what that looked like:

 

God is faithful and He is love. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is the Creator, the transformer, the reconciler and the redeemer. He makes all thing...s new. He redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. He is my shield and my rampart, my glory and the lifter of my head. He goes before me and makes every crooked place straight. He satisfies my desires with good things. When I am tired or weary, I will mount up with wings like an eagle. I am the apple of his eye. He is attentive to my cries. His ways are perfect and his love casts out all fear. He is my rock and my refuge, my help in the day of trouble. He is my strong tower and fortress. He sets a table before me in the presence of my enemies. His perfect love casts out all my fears. In him, I am safe, secure, blessed, favored, redeemed, healed, loved, forgiven, chosen, beloved, beautiful, and accepted!!

The shift in my focus caused a shift in my attitude. But the choice of choosing to shift my focus was mine. And it's yours. While I would love for this to be my response all of the time, I am still working on it. Hopefully, together though, we can choose wisely!

Things I Have Learned In The Slammer (At Least While Working In One)

I have spent the last 5 months in the slammer. A men's prison to be exact. As a female social worker. My out date is November 21, 2014. Some people go to prison and they come out the same way they went in. Others learn from their mistakes, they learn about themselves and they become better citizens. And yet, still others, like me, learn from their experiences and take the knowledge/wisdom on to the next part of the journey. 

When I tell people I am leaving my "dream job" after working there for only 5 months, they are kind of at a loss for words. You see, ever since my interactions with a ministry called Insight for Inmates back in 2001, I have been hooked on prison ministry and have had a heart for inmates. So, it would make perfect sense that when a social work job opened up in a men's prison that I would be totally pumped, which I was. But as I said before, the slammer will teach you things, whether you want to learn them or not. The following is a list of both serious and humorous lessons I have learned about myself, inmates and the prison system in general. 

1. I am not a mean person. 

You know, no one has ever called me a mean person but I, like everyone, battle with the occasional mean thoughst, comments or actions. But the thing about prison, is that working in that environment, a certain level of sternness, meanness and even straight up ignoring is required. If you know me at all, I can have moments of sternness when necessary but that is not in my nature and being dismissive of a manipulating complaint is certainly not a part of my compassionate soul. While I have learned to have very strict boundaries, to not let inmates walk all over me as well as staff, I am a little too compassionate and sensitive to work with this population on a regular basis.  

2. Throwing urine and feces is a fairly common tactic to get attention but it really does no good.

Sometimes, I really have thought I was working at a daycare, especially when I have to go down the tier to check on an inmate's mental status and wind up fussing at them for acting like a 2 year old! THROWING PEE AND POOP DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS!!! Good thing I can't smell!

3. I am no longer naive Natalie. 

Before I found myself working in the prison setting, I was pretty naive, gullible, innocent, etc. But after dealing with the most manipulative of individuals and with the most severe personality disorders, I can no longer be called naive. It's actually kind of funny now because the guys know me as someone who doesn't play around.

4. Paper suicide gowns do absolutely nothing to cover the human body. 

(This is pretty self-explanatory.)

5. Inmates are people too. 

This will probably be one of the more controversial lessons I have learned but I kind of knew it before I went in the slammer. These guys have made bad choices. Some more than others. And they are paying for their crimes behind bars. But they are still human. They still have feelings. Some really have learned their lesson. Some really want to do better. Some could care less. Some will remain the same as when they walked through the gates. Either way, they are people. People who have had some traumatic experiences in their past. People who have literally lost everything and everyone because the path they chose. I am not making excuses for them but if you could sit across from them and hear their stories, you would realize that it very well could be you (or me) in the orange jumpsuit. 

6. I have seen way more butts and fronts than I ever want to see. 

Thanks in part to guys showering or using the bathroom while I am on the tier, guys being in the wonderful paper suicide gowns, and guys not being allowed clothes because they lit them on fire, I have reached my quota! Dear future husband, I have eyes only for you!

7. I like to be busy. 

I kinda knew this one about myself considering my Type A personality and all but I REALLY hate to be bored at work. 

8. I am SUPER efficient and pretty much could be labeled as with an Obsessive Compulsive personality.

I like things done well, quickly, and in the most efficient manner possible. My Obsessive Compulsive personality helps me do that. 

9. We never really understand God's plan for our lives. 

When I first began working at the prison, I was on cloud 9! It was a dream come true, getting paid to do undercover prison ministry!! But the reality is that prison ministry is very different than prison social work. Yes, I have had several opportunities to pray with guys while at work but the nature of prison social work is quite different than the former. As time has gone on, I have realized that I still enjoy prison ministry but I am not cut out for prison social work at this time. But God had to help me realize that and He did so pretty quick. I thought I would be working at the prison for many years but here I am 5 months later about to start a new job in less than 2 weeks. 

10. Sometimes the journey is not as important as the people you meet along the way. 

While I still kind of beat myself up for not being able to do prison social work at this juncture in my life when I have been so sure of it all along, I have learned the value of the people you meet along the way. If God's sole purpose in having me work at a prison was to meet just one of those guys and influence them for good, then it's all been worth it. If God's sole purpose was for me to meet a friend like my buddy Gulino, then it was worth it. All of the weekends worked, all of the night shifts have all been worth it!

Now, the journey continues with a different paragraph, chapter, and page or however you want to look at it. As of November 24, 2014, I will be working at a psychiatric hospital with female patients. I will no longer be working nights or weekends, strictly days. And I am happy about this transition. But I will never forget the things I have learned in the slammer. And I hope you can learn something from my experiences too!

How A Psychopath Ruined My Christianity

Okay, so maybe the title is a bit dramatic but if you know me, so am I :) But really, this week my interactions with a particular offender have made me examine my Christianity and what love and forgiveness really look like. 

On Monday night, I had several interactions with an inmate who was clearly agitated and with each interaction he became more verbally assaulting and eventually, to the point, where he threatened to kill me. Talk about a rough night at work. While I did not respond outwardly, most of my inwardly was shaking. Seeing as how nothing I said, none of my social work speak, even slightly impacted the situation or the offender, I had to wonder some things. 

In my social work mind, I had believed that 99% of people can change as long as they want to. But there are those 1% that no matter what you try will never be rehabilitated. As I pondered my social work beliefs, I couldn't help but ponder my Christian beliefs. After all, for me they go hand in hand. I began to realize that I hold the same thinking true in my Christianity. Of course, I would never have said it but deep down I realized that I felt like some people could just never be saved by the grace of God. Wrong theology, yes. Where I was at, yes. 

On Tuesday night, I received a call that the same offender was refusing to be restrained. Since he is a mental health patient, I have to clear him before security can intervene. As I approached the tank he was in and stood at the door, I tried to address the offender. Before I could get anything out, he spit at me and cursed me telling me to get out of his face. Have you ever been spit at? This was one of my first experiences and again I began taking a long look at my Christianity. 

I finally came to the conclusion by Tuesday morning that it was going to take more than my efforts and striving to try and love this inmate. I needed the Jesus of my Christian proclamation to flow through me with his love and compassion for this inmate. 

For the few days following the event on Tuesday, I was sick. Not that I think that God authored this sickness but I think he used it to humble me and to help me to not focus on the events of Monday and Tuesday. 

Friday night I had to see the same guy. As I went in his cell to talk to him, I had no idea how he was going to respond but I felt prompted to tell him, "I forgive you." I talked to him about what I went in there for but before I left, I looked him straight in the eye and with honesty, I was able to say, I forgive you. He just looked at me but I knew he heard me.

Last night, I was in the cell block and I heard some yelling. One of the correctional officers came and found me and said the same offender wanted to see me. I went to his cell, again, unsure of how he would respond to me or what he wanted to tell me; Sure enough, out of the blue, he apologized for disrespecting me by spitting at me and cursing me. We then had a 20 minute conversation in which I was able to share with him how I truly believe he is capable of great things. And again, I think he heard me. 

While we didn't hug and sing Kumbaya (because that would be very awkward and inappropriate in a prison setting) I believe God used this guy to change my heart and my idea of Christianity. Now I believe that God can literally change any life! Before I merely acknowledged the concept but now I believe it and I can't wait to see it! 

If Only You Could See What I See (At My Job)

It's been a while but here I am. Life has been full of transitions here lately from grad school, to no job, to almost having a job, to not getting that job, to having a job, and to having a better job in my field. And that's what I want to talk about today. 

My new job is at an all male medium/maximum security prison. Soon I will be one of the night social workers but for now I have been training on day shifts for the last month. People ask me a myriad of questions about my career choice but these are the most frequent:

1. Why a men's prison?
2. Aren't you afraid?
3. What do you DO there?
4. Why do you want to work there?

So, I will use this platform to answer these questions for both you guys and myself. 

WHY A MEN'S PRISON?

Well, the long and the short of it is that this is the door that God has opened for me to walk through. Since about March of this year, I have applied for 50 jobs easily. One job, that I thought was a door the Lord opened, abruptly closed and this door was the next wide open one. Out of the 40 applicants, 5 individuals were chosen for interviews and I was the one that was offered the position (sounds like a God set up to me!).

AREN'T YOU AFRAID?

At the start of last fall semester, when I realized I would be on an all male psych unit at my internship, I had great concerns. I don't know that I was ever out right afraid but I definitely dealt with some initial anxiety until I learned the guys on our unit. While our guys were mostly mentally stable, they still had committed major crimes and most had been found Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity. 

So, to make the transition to the all men's prison, I had that same initial anxiety until I met some of the men on my caseload. And now, I'm not even anxious. I am alert and I am prepared but not afraid. 

WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?

Each day looks a little different but there are several common tasks. Each inmate that has a mental health diagnosis must be seen once every two weeks by a social worker. I have a caseload of men that I meet with for one on one sessions. At this point I meet with them in the Diagnostic office but when I move to night shifts I will meet with them on the cell blocks and in the dorms. Additionally, I also help with the individuals put on suicide watch. We have to make rounds to see them and when an inmate indicates they will hurt themselves or others, we have to put them on suicide watch which essentially means that they have to be placed in special cells and checked regularly to ensure their safety. Of course, with any job, paperwork is involved so I do some of that and when my night schedule starts, I will lead a group and I will participate in night court for those offenders who have been written up. So this area will expand when I move to night shift. 

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK THERE?

Perhaps my favorite question to be asked about my new place of employment is why I want to work in a prison. And my automatic response tends to be, "Why not?" When I look at the life of Jesus, He majored in the outcasts, the lepers, the people that others wrote off, the broken, the bruised, the scarred, the SINNERS. Jesus LOVES THE UNLOVELY! He looks for the hurting. He likes to find people to show forgiveness and grace too. He chooses ones that others will disregard. If that is who Jesus is drawn to, shouldn't that be who I am drawn too?

When I see these men sitting across from me in a counseling session, laying practically naked on the ground in their cell, walking across the yard or down the walk, I can't help but have compassion on them. Yes, some have stolen, some have molested, some have killed but is there sin any worse than mine? There is no such thing as venial and mortal sins...they are all God separating acts that keep us from the love of Christ. But repentance changes things. And while I may not have the capacity and the capability to reach each and every inmate in that prison, I know that the love of Christ is what will draw them to repentance. If I can show them respect and patience, if I can extend grace and keep no record of their wrongs, if I can instill hope and help them find peace, then I have done what God has called me to do. Yes, I am a social worker but I am a kingdom seeker too! And I can't help but see 2500 men with the potential to be transformed by Christ!

This is my calling for this season and I am thrilled about it! You may be petrified at even the thought of me walking inside a prison gate. But I ask you for your prayers. I need the wisdom of Christ each and every day to talk to/minister to these men. I got nothing on my own but I need to know when to be firm and assertive and when to be kind and accepting. Pray for even greater levels of compassion and that I will see each man as Jesus sees him. So if the Lord leads you, pray for me. And I pray that one day, maybe, you can see what I see!