On Easter Sunday, our church had a non-traditional service in which we did cardboard testimonies and then a few of us were asked to share about the story on the cardboard. I was asked to share my story, well mine and God's story :) So, here it is. I pray that it would bless you and that you too would move into more healing and freedom as you recognize His love and acceptance!
BOUND BY SHAME AND REJECTION, FREED BY LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE
Natalie Landry
Imagine with me if you will, a couple in their mid 30’s, with three children, ages 14, 12 and 9. Life is going along as they know it when one day they find out some news: they are pregnant. Well, not they, just she but you catch the drift. J What would normally be an exciting event in the life of a couple is taken in with uncertainty, fear and rejection. You see, this family was already complete. Catholic school cost a pretty penny and they were just 9 years shy of having all kids out of the house or so they thought. But along came this news and in 9 months would come this child. The one hope for this child was that it would be a boy, Matthew, to even out the 2 to 1 sibling ratio. The 9 grueling months passed by and this family would finally get to welcome baby into the world, baby girl that is. Not Matthew but a girl. Me J I was born into this world, not what anyone expected or really even wanted and I knew it. I don’t know how but my earliest memory tells me that I was unwanted, rejected. Life went on for me and rejection was the theme. Starting at age 6, shame was added to the rejection mix as I was sexually abused by a neighborhood girl. She wanted to play doctors but took it to a whole different level. The shame and rejection escalated as I felt like I never fit in anywhere, in my family, at school. I sought my refuge in sports and in making others laugh, anything to hide my pain. I became a people pleaser to gain some level of acceptance from those around me, my teachers, my parents, my coaches. Of course, when I failed and couldn’t attain that perfection, the acceptance was taken away only furthering my roots in rejection. When it came to God, I only knew him as a huge dictator in heaven to be wary of because He knew all I had done and He wasn’t too pleased. I saw Him as a giant police officer ready to pull me over at the most minor of infraction. I had never heard of a relationship with Him only that I needed to follow these rules and be a good person and then I might be able to make it to heaven. But the problem I had was what was good? And how good is good enough? No one could answer that for me. I sought out counsel with my church and my questions only led me to being chastised for asking or I received answers such as “This is what we’ve always done”. But I was hungry. I needed answers and I needed to know that someone could love me unconditionally and accept me for who I was, mess and all. Little did I know that the God of the Universe not only saw me but knew me and wanted a love relationship with me. He pursued me with cookies. Chocolate chip ones at that! God knew I loved chocolate chip cookies. God knew that I would take a chocolate chip cookie even if it was from a stranger and that is precisely what happened. I was 18 and had just gotten to campus at Nicholls State University. I had moved into my dorm room the weekend before classes started and was quite upset that all my roommates wanted to do was drink and party and smoke. Those things were not “good” and definitely not something I, people pleaser, wanted to be a part of. That Sunday night, I called my sister in tears. My roommates had gone out and I had the room to myself. My sister’s words to me that night were, “You need to find a Christian group on campus.” I thought that sounded like a good plan. So the very next day as I walked through the student union, I noticed a massive bowl of chocolate chip cookies. A student offered me one and of course I gladly accepted. I asked why they were giving away free cookies and they said they were a Christian group called Chi Alpha and they just wanted to invite people to their welcome week activities. I was completely floored knowing the conversation I had the night before with my sister. I took the calendar of events and went to each one that week. That Thursday night was what was called Thursday Night Live. I likened that it would something similar to Saturday Night Live but boy, was I wrong. I entered the theater and took a seat near the middle just before the event began. This was no ordinary event, this was church. From the get-go, I was in tears and I remained that way the entire time. I cannot tell you exactly what went on in that theater but I can tell you I walked out changed, I walked out a Christian. I had given my life to Jesus and had asked for a relationship with the God of Creation. The next few months and even years was learning about this intimate partnership. To say that coming into a relationship with Christ granted me unconditional love and acceptance would be true however, sometimes we don’t access all that we are eligible for because we lack the knowledge, understanding and even freedom to walk in that truth. See, I just got a new phone as I was eligible for an upgrade. While I know the basics of how to make a call and how to text, I am completely unaware of all that my phone is capable of. I was just like this in my walk with Christ. I had gotten the upgrade, which we will call salvation. And I had learned the basic functions of Christianity but I was unaware of the freedom via his unconditional love and acceptance, i.e. all that was available to me. A few months ago, God put me in a place to have this revelation. I had grown into greater levels of healing and freedom over the years but even as a Christian, a shame cloud followed me around and I still felt enslaved to rejection. In an intense prayer time with some good friends, God performed major heart surgery. God took me back to the place where the rejection began, in the womb. And He literally walked me out of that place into the place of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt His unconditional love and acceptance. It still feels weird at times to know that no matter what I do or could ever do, that He would love me anyway. God is not the big dictator or angry policeman that I once thought. He is a compassionate Father, an intimate lover who would do anything, who did everything, to bring us into relationship with himself. He loves me! He accepts me! And friend, He loves and accepts you too!
