Things I Have Learned In The Slammer (At Least While Working In One)

I have spent the last 5 months in the slammer. A men's prison to be exact. As a female social worker. My out date is November 21, 2014. Some people go to prison and they come out the same way they went in. Others learn from their mistakes, they learn about themselves and they become better citizens. And yet, still others, like me, learn from their experiences and take the knowledge/wisdom on to the next part of the journey. 

When I tell people I am leaving my "dream job" after working there for only 5 months, they are kind of at a loss for words. You see, ever since my interactions with a ministry called Insight for Inmates back in 2001, I have been hooked on prison ministry and have had a heart for inmates. So, it would make perfect sense that when a social work job opened up in a men's prison that I would be totally pumped, which I was. But as I said before, the slammer will teach you things, whether you want to learn them or not. The following is a list of both serious and humorous lessons I have learned about myself, inmates and the prison system in general. 

1. I am not a mean person. 

You know, no one has ever called me a mean person but I, like everyone, battle with the occasional mean thoughst, comments or actions. But the thing about prison, is that working in that environment, a certain level of sternness, meanness and even straight up ignoring is required. If you know me at all, I can have moments of sternness when necessary but that is not in my nature and being dismissive of a manipulating complaint is certainly not a part of my compassionate soul. While I have learned to have very strict boundaries, to not let inmates walk all over me as well as staff, I am a little too compassionate and sensitive to work with this population on a regular basis.  

2. Throwing urine and feces is a fairly common tactic to get attention but it really does no good.

Sometimes, I really have thought I was working at a daycare, especially when I have to go down the tier to check on an inmate's mental status and wind up fussing at them for acting like a 2 year old! THROWING PEE AND POOP DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS!!! Good thing I can't smell!

3. I am no longer naive Natalie. 

Before I found myself working in the prison setting, I was pretty naive, gullible, innocent, etc. But after dealing with the most manipulative of individuals and with the most severe personality disorders, I can no longer be called naive. It's actually kind of funny now because the guys know me as someone who doesn't play around.

4. Paper suicide gowns do absolutely nothing to cover the human body. 

(This is pretty self-explanatory.)

5. Inmates are people too. 

This will probably be one of the more controversial lessons I have learned but I kind of knew it before I went in the slammer. These guys have made bad choices. Some more than others. And they are paying for their crimes behind bars. But they are still human. They still have feelings. Some really have learned their lesson. Some really want to do better. Some could care less. Some will remain the same as when they walked through the gates. Either way, they are people. People who have had some traumatic experiences in their past. People who have literally lost everything and everyone because the path they chose. I am not making excuses for them but if you could sit across from them and hear their stories, you would realize that it very well could be you (or me) in the orange jumpsuit. 

6. I have seen way more butts and fronts than I ever want to see. 

Thanks in part to guys showering or using the bathroom while I am on the tier, guys being in the wonderful paper suicide gowns, and guys not being allowed clothes because they lit them on fire, I have reached my quota! Dear future husband, I have eyes only for you!

7. I like to be busy. 

I kinda knew this one about myself considering my Type A personality and all but I REALLY hate to be bored at work. 

8. I am SUPER efficient and pretty much could be labeled as with an Obsessive Compulsive personality.

I like things done well, quickly, and in the most efficient manner possible. My Obsessive Compulsive personality helps me do that. 

9. We never really understand God's plan for our lives. 

When I first began working at the prison, I was on cloud 9! It was a dream come true, getting paid to do undercover prison ministry!! But the reality is that prison ministry is very different than prison social work. Yes, I have had several opportunities to pray with guys while at work but the nature of prison social work is quite different than the former. As time has gone on, I have realized that I still enjoy prison ministry but I am not cut out for prison social work at this time. But God had to help me realize that and He did so pretty quick. I thought I would be working at the prison for many years but here I am 5 months later about to start a new job in less than 2 weeks. 

10. Sometimes the journey is not as important as the people you meet along the way. 

While I still kind of beat myself up for not being able to do prison social work at this juncture in my life when I have been so sure of it all along, I have learned the value of the people you meet along the way. If God's sole purpose in having me work at a prison was to meet just one of those guys and influence them for good, then it's all been worth it. If God's sole purpose was for me to meet a friend like my buddy Gulino, then it was worth it. All of the weekends worked, all of the night shifts have all been worth it!

Now, the journey continues with a different paragraph, chapter, and page or however you want to look at it. As of November 24, 2014, I will be working at a psychiatric hospital with female patients. I will no longer be working nights or weekends, strictly days. And I am happy about this transition. But I will never forget the things I have learned in the slammer. And I hope you can learn something from my experiences too!

How A Psychopath Ruined My Christianity

Okay, so maybe the title is a bit dramatic but if you know me, so am I :) But really, this week my interactions with a particular offender have made me examine my Christianity and what love and forgiveness really look like. 

On Monday night, I had several interactions with an inmate who was clearly agitated and with each interaction he became more verbally assaulting and eventually, to the point, where he threatened to kill me. Talk about a rough night at work. While I did not respond outwardly, most of my inwardly was shaking. Seeing as how nothing I said, none of my social work speak, even slightly impacted the situation or the offender, I had to wonder some things. 

In my social work mind, I had believed that 99% of people can change as long as they want to. But there are those 1% that no matter what you try will never be rehabilitated. As I pondered my social work beliefs, I couldn't help but ponder my Christian beliefs. After all, for me they go hand in hand. I began to realize that I hold the same thinking true in my Christianity. Of course, I would never have said it but deep down I realized that I felt like some people could just never be saved by the grace of God. Wrong theology, yes. Where I was at, yes. 

On Tuesday night, I received a call that the same offender was refusing to be restrained. Since he is a mental health patient, I have to clear him before security can intervene. As I approached the tank he was in and stood at the door, I tried to address the offender. Before I could get anything out, he spit at me and cursed me telling me to get out of his face. Have you ever been spit at? This was one of my first experiences and again I began taking a long look at my Christianity. 

I finally came to the conclusion by Tuesday morning that it was going to take more than my efforts and striving to try and love this inmate. I needed the Jesus of my Christian proclamation to flow through me with his love and compassion for this inmate. 

For the few days following the event on Tuesday, I was sick. Not that I think that God authored this sickness but I think he used it to humble me and to help me to not focus on the events of Monday and Tuesday. 

Friday night I had to see the same guy. As I went in his cell to talk to him, I had no idea how he was going to respond but I felt prompted to tell him, "I forgive you." I talked to him about what I went in there for but before I left, I looked him straight in the eye and with honesty, I was able to say, I forgive you. He just looked at me but I knew he heard me.

Last night, I was in the cell block and I heard some yelling. One of the correctional officers came and found me and said the same offender wanted to see me. I went to his cell, again, unsure of how he would respond to me or what he wanted to tell me; Sure enough, out of the blue, he apologized for disrespecting me by spitting at me and cursing me. We then had a 20 minute conversation in which I was able to share with him how I truly believe he is capable of great things. And again, I think he heard me. 

While we didn't hug and sing Kumbaya (because that would be very awkward and inappropriate in a prison setting) I believe God used this guy to change my heart and my idea of Christianity. Now I believe that God can literally change any life! Before I merely acknowledged the concept but now I believe it and I can't wait to see it! 

If Only You Could See What I See (At My Job)

It's been a while but here I am. Life has been full of transitions here lately from grad school, to no job, to almost having a job, to not getting that job, to having a job, and to having a better job in my field. And that's what I want to talk about today. 

My new job is at an all male medium/maximum security prison. Soon I will be one of the night social workers but for now I have been training on day shifts for the last month. People ask me a myriad of questions about my career choice but these are the most frequent:

1. Why a men's prison?
2. Aren't you afraid?
3. What do you DO there?
4. Why do you want to work there?

So, I will use this platform to answer these questions for both you guys and myself. 

WHY A MEN'S PRISON?

Well, the long and the short of it is that this is the door that God has opened for me to walk through. Since about March of this year, I have applied for 50 jobs easily. One job, that I thought was a door the Lord opened, abruptly closed and this door was the next wide open one. Out of the 40 applicants, 5 individuals were chosen for interviews and I was the one that was offered the position (sounds like a God set up to me!).

AREN'T YOU AFRAID?

At the start of last fall semester, when I realized I would be on an all male psych unit at my internship, I had great concerns. I don't know that I was ever out right afraid but I definitely dealt with some initial anxiety until I learned the guys on our unit. While our guys were mostly mentally stable, they still had committed major crimes and most had been found Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity. 

So, to make the transition to the all men's prison, I had that same initial anxiety until I met some of the men on my caseload. And now, I'm not even anxious. I am alert and I am prepared but not afraid. 

WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?

Each day looks a little different but there are several common tasks. Each inmate that has a mental health diagnosis must be seen once every two weeks by a social worker. I have a caseload of men that I meet with for one on one sessions. At this point I meet with them in the Diagnostic office but when I move to night shifts I will meet with them on the cell blocks and in the dorms. Additionally, I also help with the individuals put on suicide watch. We have to make rounds to see them and when an inmate indicates they will hurt themselves or others, we have to put them on suicide watch which essentially means that they have to be placed in special cells and checked regularly to ensure their safety. Of course, with any job, paperwork is involved so I do some of that and when my night schedule starts, I will lead a group and I will participate in night court for those offenders who have been written up. So this area will expand when I move to night shift. 

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK THERE?

Perhaps my favorite question to be asked about my new place of employment is why I want to work in a prison. And my automatic response tends to be, "Why not?" When I look at the life of Jesus, He majored in the outcasts, the lepers, the people that others wrote off, the broken, the bruised, the scarred, the SINNERS. Jesus LOVES THE UNLOVELY! He looks for the hurting. He likes to find people to show forgiveness and grace too. He chooses ones that others will disregard. If that is who Jesus is drawn to, shouldn't that be who I am drawn too?

When I see these men sitting across from me in a counseling session, laying practically naked on the ground in their cell, walking across the yard or down the walk, I can't help but have compassion on them. Yes, some have stolen, some have molested, some have killed but is there sin any worse than mine? There is no such thing as venial and mortal sins...they are all God separating acts that keep us from the love of Christ. But repentance changes things. And while I may not have the capacity and the capability to reach each and every inmate in that prison, I know that the love of Christ is what will draw them to repentance. If I can show them respect and patience, if I can extend grace and keep no record of their wrongs, if I can instill hope and help them find peace, then I have done what God has called me to do. Yes, I am a social worker but I am a kingdom seeker too! And I can't help but see 2500 men with the potential to be transformed by Christ!

This is my calling for this season and I am thrilled about it! You may be petrified at even the thought of me walking inside a prison gate. But I ask you for your prayers. I need the wisdom of Christ each and every day to talk to/minister to these men. I got nothing on my own but I need to know when to be firm and assertive and when to be kind and accepting. Pray for even greater levels of compassion and that I will see each man as Jesus sees him. So if the Lord leads you, pray for me. And I pray that one day, maybe, you can see what I see!

What I've Learned at the Psych Hospital....So Far

I never would have imagined, for the last 7 months, I would be at a psych hospital. 

Not as a patient, although some would argue I should be, but as a Social Work Intern.

And the reality is I probably wouldn't have ever chosen to be in that setting without the prompting of the Lord. Like most people, I had absolutely no idea what to expect as my only real exposure to mental illness was in the media, on shows like Prison Break and in the movie Patch Adams. So, to dispel some misconceptions and myths, I want to share with you what I have learned and what I continue to learn each day. 

1. Individuals with mental illness should not be defined by their diagnosis.
I think oftentimes, we view individuals that are different, maybe people who are incarcerated or those in a psych hospital, as less than human. We see their illness or diagnosis instead of the person behind it. You hear this a lot in the way we use language, "he's schizophrenic", "he's autistic" or "she's bipolar." In social work, we try to use person first language as we like to call it. Instead of "he's schizophrenic" we would say "a person with schizophrenia". Do you see the difference? Think about it this way..."she's breast cancer"...would we ever say that?? NO WAY! We would say "she has breast cancer" because she is not her diagnosis. Sadly, even our patients often refer to themselves as their diagnosis and so we must retrain them to think differently. But the thing to remember is that diagnosis does not equal identity. 

2. Mental illness does not equal demon possession as many Christians believe or have been taught. 
This lesson will likely put me under fire but I don't really care because after spending months and months with these patients, you can't honestly tell me that they are all demon possessed. You see, I never really understood mental illness and I have spent the majority of the last 7 months determining how I view mental illness in light of being a Christian and a social worker. To help me in this, I have been reading 2 books, Grace for the Afflicted and Troubled Minds. (I highly recommend them if you want to know more about mental illness!!) These books have been tremendously helpful in my journey of understanding mental illness but I am still working this out with the Lord. But as I interview patients, I find many traumas and abuses as well as family histories of mental illness. So, while some would argue those are still the works of demons, may I remind you that we live in a fallen world, one that is full of sin and depravity. So, yes, I think there is more in play than the view of demon possession.

3. Individuals with mental illness, on the whole, are not really as scary as you would imagine. 
As I noted previously, my experience with mental illness prior to this internship was entirely based on the media, as my guess is yours is too. And let's be honest, media is not usually accurate. The guy that murder's Patch Adams girlfriend, yes, he was scary. In my last 7 months, I have probably only been scared twice and both times, the individuals were in the midst of psychotic episodes. No, they didn't hit or attack but were more verbally accosting than anything. Now, don't get me wrong, several of out patients have been deemed Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity for crimes they committed while having a psychotic episode, which I'm sure were quite scary but on the whole, in the hospital, a level of stability occurs within the first few days with the medication. Again, this goes back to Lesson Number 1, these individuals are human beings and they are not their diagnosis. If you can remember that, they are even less scary than you can imagine. 

4. Individuals with mental illness need acceptance, a listening ear, a lot of patience and a lot of love.
Christians ask me quite often how I can work with this population and not get to pray for them and tell them about Jesus.And I must ask in response, "if this is our only idea of what Christianity looks like, are we missing something?" I think one of my favorite Bible stories in this season is the woman at the well, probably because her issues remind me of a lot of our patients. Yes, the woman had husband issues but she was going to the well to draw water at a time when none of the other women would be there because she was an outcast and she was ashamed. But then enter Jesus. Jesus talked with her, accepted her (not her sin), listened to her story with care and patience and poured our a whole lot of love on her, which ultimately led to her salvation. Elsewhere in Scripture, Jesus talks about the importance a single cup of water can make in the Kingdom; so how could I think that taking time to listen to patients, even when they are delusional and not making a lick of sense, is of no importance? I like to think that all of these acts in Lesson 4 lay the ground work for a relationship with Jesus but even if I never see it, but do it in the name of the Lord, then God will honor that. 

I feel like there are more lessons I am learning but I will wait to share those another day. Hopefully, the lessons I've shared can be helpful to you and, if nothing else, challenge the way you view individuals with mental illness. 

Peace, Be Still!

Without the active presence of the Lord in my life, I have no idea where I would be or what my life would look like. Many individuals have been led to believe that becoming a Christian solves all of your problems and that life becomes "easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl!" However, that is not Biblically accurate and I can tell you from my own experiences this has not proved true in my life. You see, once I gave control of my life over to the Lord, the enemy of my soul was none too pleased and the war for my heart raged on. I am not one to blame everything difficult, hard or bad on Satan because sometimes while it may feel like "the devil made me do it" oftentimes, it is my own sin nature rearing it's ugly head or unhealed wounds that are draining into my life. And sometimes, many times, the Lord sets me up for hard things so He can prove to me, once again, my need for Him. 

I can say this now that the holidays are over but I am not too fond of them.(I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer for those of you who love them!) From about November-January, I battle depression as many tend to do around this time of year. The reason being is that it becomes a very lonely time for this single girl. My family doesn't do an exceptional amount of holiday related activities except on the actual holiday. So, much of my time is spent alone and feelings of loneliness envelop me. While I try not to dwell on those emotions, too often they have consumed me. 

As I drove home to my parents' house this Christmas, I turned my radio off and just listened for the Lord. This is one of my favorite things to do on road trips as it is uninterrupted time for the Lord to speak. I believe I had been crying and placing my frustrations with the season before the Lord when He began to speak and I began to sing. Here are the words:

Peace, be still, I am with you

Peace, be still, I’m by your side

Emmanuel, I’m God with you

Prince of Peace, I bring to you

I know your heart

I see your face

And I’m right beside you

Running the race

So keep believin’, keep on trustin', keep on hopin’

‘Cause I will come through

I will come through always for you

I will come through always for you

For my delight is in you

I rejoice over you with singing

I rejoice over you

I delight in you

Though you’re lonely

Though you’re hurting

Though you’re sick

And wounded too

I am with you healing your heart

I am with you no matter what

Keep on trustin’, keep believin’

Keep on hopin’ cause I will come through

Little did I know how much I would need this song in the days and weeks to come. The lyrics have been in my head and my spirit almost without ceasing.You see, the depression, thanks to some medication, has decreased almost completely. But I have since started to experience something I have never walked through before at this level: ANXIETY. You may not know this but I am in graduate school, working towards my Master's of Social Work. I am set to graduate in May, given I pass the comprehensive exam on January 21. Yes, I said COMPREHENSIVE, meaning the last 3 years of my schooling are fair game on this 50 question test. Normally, I have some worry over school work but never before have I had actual physical symptoms of anxiety that caused me to seek medical assistance. I recognize this is a spiritual attack as well as my flesh trying to rise up and succeed in and of it's own self. I am keenly aware!

This morning, though, I came across this Scripture in Psalms 94:18-19:

When I said, "My foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. 

Some individuals say that Christianity is a crutch and if you are going on the mere definition that a crutch provides support then I guess you are correct. But crutches can't bring joy, hope and peace in the midst of circumstances that would cause the best of us anxiety or sadness or insert emotion here. So, while I continue to let the Lord support me and bring me peace and joy, I wanted to share with you the words/the song that He gave to me. PEACE, BE STILL, HE IS WITH YOU!