On Monday night, I had several interactions with an inmate who was clearly agitated and with each interaction he became more verbally assaulting and eventually, to the point, where he threatened to kill me. Talk about a rough night at work. While I did not respond outwardly, most of my inwardly was shaking. Seeing as how nothing I said, none of my social work speak, even slightly impacted the situation or the offender, I had to wonder some things.
In my social work mind, I had believed that 99% of people can change as long as they want to. But there are those 1% that no matter what you try will never be rehabilitated. As I pondered my social work beliefs, I couldn't help but ponder my Christian beliefs. After all, for me they go hand in hand. I began to realize that I hold the same thinking true in my Christianity. Of course, I would never have said it but deep down I realized that I felt like some people could just never be saved by the grace of God. Wrong theology, yes. Where I was at, yes.
On Tuesday night, I received a call that the same offender was refusing to be restrained. Since he is a mental health patient, I have to clear him before security can intervene. As I approached the tank he was in and stood at the door, I tried to address the offender. Before I could get anything out, he spit at me and cursed me telling me to get out of his face. Have you ever been spit at? This was one of my first experiences and again I began taking a long look at my Christianity.
I finally came to the conclusion by Tuesday morning that it was going to take more than my efforts and striving to try and love this inmate. I needed the Jesus of my Christian proclamation to flow through me with his love and compassion for this inmate.
For the few days following the event on Tuesday, I was sick. Not that I think that God authored this sickness but I think he used it to humble me and to help me to not focus on the events of Monday and Tuesday.
Friday night I had to see the same guy. As I went in his cell to talk to him, I had no idea how he was going to respond but I felt prompted to tell him, "I forgive you." I talked to him about what I went in there for but before I left, I looked him straight in the eye and with honesty, I was able to say, I forgive you. He just looked at me but I knew he heard me.
Last night, I was in the cell block and I heard some yelling. One of the correctional officers came and found me and said the same offender wanted to see me. I went to his cell, again, unsure of how he would respond to me or what he wanted to tell me; Sure enough, out of the blue, he apologized for disrespecting me by spitting at me and cursing me. We then had a 20 minute conversation in which I was able to share with him how I truly believe he is capable of great things. And again, I think he heard me.
While we didn't hug and sing Kumbaya (because that would be very awkward and inappropriate in a prison setting) I believe God used this guy to change my heart and my idea of Christianity. Now I believe that God can literally change any life! Before I merely acknowledged the concept but now I believe it and I can't wait to see it!
