PSA: High Functioning Depression

Depression. When you think of it, you probably think of someone who is sad and crying all the time. Or you may think of someone who stays in bed all day and hides away from the world. Or you may immediately think of suicidal thoughts or attempts. And while these combined components can make up the diagnosis of depression, I submit to you that this is not always the picture of depression. While I am a mental health professional this blog is not written from a clinical perspective but an experiential one. So, here goes. 

I have dealt with the effects of depression for about 20 years now (man, that makes me feel old!). If you don't know me well, you probably would never even know that it's one of my struggles. But it is. And it's been amplified these last 3 months so that's why I have decided to talk about it. 

Over these last 20 years, I have become a Christian, allowed God to do major healing in my life, sought out and utilized Christian counseling services as well as pastoral counseling and have been on and off antidepressants. I have dealt with folks who told me that my depression was due to a lack of faith, that medication is a crutch and that I should just get over it. I have also encountered caring and compassionate people who have walked with me through many dark nights of the soul. 

But these last 3 months, I have been off of my depression medications due to a job change and waiting on insurance to kick in. I want to paint you a picture of what my life has looked like over the last 3 months in hopes of you being able to understand high functioning depression. 

The first month off of my medication wasn't super eventful. I went to work every day, adjusted to my new job with only minor difficulties and still participated in after work activities with friends/family. Towards the middle of the first month, I noticed I was getting teary eyed at commercials or TV shows. 

The second month, May, presented some additional challenges as I noticed an increased sense of hopelessness, fatigue, and more tears. I went to work daily but I could tell my days were getting harder emotionally and I felt completely drained. I still participated in some outside activities but they, too, were becoming more challenging. 

This last month has been the hardest. I have noticed an increase in tears, irritability, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, insomnia and frustration. I have pretty much gone to work and come home. i have been isolated and withdrawn.

If you'll go back and read the last 3 paragraphs, you'll see that I wrote, I NOTICED. I didn't say that other's noticed. That's not to say that people in my inner circle aren't aware or haven't paid attention. But the thing that's tricky about high functioning depression is that the person APPEARS fully functional. They go to work, they do their job well, they take care of their responsibilities but on the inside they are struggling. The changes for many are subtle at first but they become increasingly obvious as they retreat socially, isolate, withdraw, don't participate in the activities they once enjoyed, etc.

Thankfully, as of July 1, I am back on my medication! It will take a few weeks for it to kick in but the wait is over and I should get some relief soon. 

I want to encourage you to be a noticer and notice the people around you. As I said before, the changes are subtle but if you are aware of what to look for it makes it easier. A depressed person will most likely not make the same efforts socially as they once did so you may be a light for them in a very dark place. A depressed person will not always reach out for help for many reasons but, if you are observant, you could help them in more ways then you will ever know.  

Get Your Heart Right!

Over the last several months I became increasingly frustrated with my job. Staff changes, rule changes, bureaucracy and red tape brought me to my limit. My frustration led me to grumble and complain, not to very many people but to a few. It came to the point where I dreaded going to work due to a particular individual who had begun to show outright contempt for me (even my co-worker had started to notice). I had begun to look for a new job but to no avail. I received no interviews or phone calls despite completing many applications for jobs that I was more than qualified for. 

One Saturday, after a particularly dreadful week with lots of tension and hostility with this individual, I got down on the ground before the Lord with my face buried in the floor. (This is a very difficult task due to my back injury but that is kind of what makes this all even more powerful to me.) 

I began to express every frustration to God and my complaints regarding this particular individual. I told God, "I can't love them. You have to love them through me. You have to give me Your love for them." And then I prayed in the Spirit until I came to a place of peace. (The Holy Spirit really does give us the power we need for daily living but this is a topic for another day.) By the power of the Holy Spirit, I began to pray blessings over this individual, a person I had seen as my enemy. I prayed that they would be blessed in every possible way. The crazy thing was that I meant it!  I just had to get my heart right before God. 

Shortly after my prayer time, I began checking my phone for job postings. It seemed like suddenly there were more new postings than had been posted in a long time so I began applying.

Throughout that weekend, I found myself praying for this individual.  

On Monday, I went to work and encountered the person that I had spent the weekend praying for. They attempted to be cold towards me but by the power of God's Spirit, I was able to love on them and be extra kind despite the attempts to bring tension and chaos. Later that day, I received not one but two phone calls for job interviews!!

I went on one interview that Tuesday and was told that they would let me know something towards the end of the following week. But the next day (Wednesday) I got a call for a second interview with the director of the program for the following evening. 

Bad weather delayed my two interviews on Thursday but the following Tuesday I had a second interview with the company and by Thursday I was notified that I had gotten the job!

I firmly believe that the reason I have a new job now is because I got my heart right. God hates grumbling and complaining yet I do it more than I care to admit. But allowing Him to come in and change me, change my attitude, change my perspective is what makes all the difference in the world!

Maybe, you, like me, have a situation or person that has been causing you major frustration. My challenge to you is to get your heart right!  Not so that God will give you the thing you want. In my heart I had come to the place that if God never opened another door for a job, that I could be content right where I was. Getting your heart right simply means giving God access and permission to work in your heart and if we ask Him to change us, He most certainly will! That is where the true blessing is! 

So, GET YOUR HEART RIGHT! It will do you more good than you realize!

I Want the Isaac Not the Ishmael

Some days my heart is just so full and I have so much to share. And because I often process things out in my life by talking or writing, you guys get to be a part of that.
 
I'm single. There, I said it. For some of you that will come as a shock but it's true. You may have seen the cute Facebook posts of myself and my boyfriend (at the time) and we were quite cute together. We had a lot in common and fell in love quickly. So, quickly, in fact, that we were planning our wedding and our life together. And from the outside, it appeared to be a God thing on every account. Even for me, on the inside, it felt like a God thing. It felt like the desires of my heart were finally being fulfilled, to be someone's wife and helpmate. However, I am now single. I'll tell you more about that in a little bit.
 
In the book of Genesis (Chapters 15-17), we read about Abram and Sara, a couple who desperately wanted a child. Instead of waiting for the Lord to bring about His promise to Abram of becoming the father of many nations, Sara got tired of waiting and decided to make some things happen. She gave her slave, Hagar, to Abram to sleep with in the hopes that she would conceive and ultimately fulfill Sara's dream of becoming a mother and the promise made to Abram. Hagar did conceive and bore a son named Ishmael. And while Ishmael was a blessing from God to Hagar, he was not the way that God wanted to fulfill his promise to Abram. Eventually, Sara conceived and bore a son named Isaac, who was indeed the fulfillment of God's promise.

Now, I'm not going to expound on that a whole lot because I think you get the idea and you can read the account for your self.

Back to my story. While, I don't actually think I made the relationship happen between me and my now ex, I can very much relate to the above story. Like I said before, if you were an onlooker, it looked like the perfect match. We both loved Jesus. We had the same views on major life issues (abortion, marriage, child rearing, etc.) His son loved us both together and really liked me.

However, there were 2 major beliefs that he held that I did not agree with. And while I could have just overlooked them, they were MAJOR spiritual belief issues for me (you don't really need to know what they were).

One Sunday morning at church, I began wrestling with the Lord about those issues. I tried to convince myself that the issues weren't as major as I was making them out to be. But I couldn't get away from the fact that they were non-negotiable issues for me and to ignore them would ultimately be to deny major parts of who I am as a believer. After much prayer and wrestling, I knew I had to end the relationship.

This relationship, I believe was my Ishmael. It looked like God, it felt like God, but it was not God's best for me. It taught me a lot about myself, it taught me even more about God's protection and grace.

All of that to say, I want the Isaac not the Ishmael. And my prayer is that you do to. Don't try to make something happen and don't fight for something that God wants you to lay down. He will honor you and bless you for your obedience and your willingness to wait for the promise to be fulfilled.

Choose Wisely

Over the last few days, the power of choice has been on my mind and heart. Particularly in the realm of my attitude. Yesterday, I came across this quote:

 

"I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day to day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important that my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position.

 

Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley to deep, no dream to extreme, no challenge too great for me."-Charles R. Swindoll

 

 

I have had some very challenging experiences here lately which have impacted me greatly. My immediate reaction, sadly, is a fleshly one, to become frustrated or upset over the circumstances. However, here lately, I am learning the power of quickly switching to a godly reaction instead. I mean, it would be fabulous if the godly reaction was my first reaction but I am still very much a work in progress. So, how does this work? Well, it's all about choosing wisely.

 

Philippians 4:8 tells us this, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. 

 

2 Corinthians 10:5 says to, "Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."

 

These 2 verses tell me that I have a choice in my attitude. I can focus on my circumstances and become frustrated by them or I can focus on the Creator and His character.

 

Last Friday, I had a super frustrating day. It was literally, one issue after another. (I'll spare you the details- but just know I was in tears.) I wanted to have a pity party and be Negative Natalie. But I knew that wouldn't do me a lick of good. So, instead I began to encourage myself in the Lord. This is what that looked like:

 

God is faithful and He is love. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is the Creator, the transformer, the reconciler and the redeemer. He makes all thing...s new. He redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. He is my shield and my rampart, my glory and the lifter of my head. He goes before me and makes every crooked place straight. He satisfies my desires with good things. When I am tired or weary, I will mount up with wings like an eagle. I am the apple of his eye. He is attentive to my cries. His ways are perfect and his love casts out all fear. He is my rock and my refuge, my help in the day of trouble. He is my strong tower and fortress. He sets a table before me in the presence of my enemies. His perfect love casts out all my fears. In him, I am safe, secure, blessed, favored, redeemed, healed, loved, forgiven, chosen, beloved, beautiful, and accepted!!

The shift in my focus caused a shift in my attitude. But the choice of choosing to shift my focus was mine. And it's yours. While I would love for this to be my response all of the time, I am still working on it. Hopefully, together though, we can choose wisely!