PSA: High Functioning Depression

Depression. When you think of it, you probably think of someone who is sad and crying all the time. Or you may think of someone who stays in bed all day and hides away from the world. Or you may immediately think of suicidal thoughts or attempts. And while these combined components can make up the diagnosis of depression, I submit to you that this is not always the picture of depression. While I am a mental health professional this blog is not written from a clinical perspective but an experiential one. So, here goes. 

I have dealt with the effects of depression for about 20 years now (man, that makes me feel old!). If you don't know me well, you probably would never even know that it's one of my struggles. But it is. And it's been amplified these last 3 months so that's why I have decided to talk about it. 

Over these last 20 years, I have become a Christian, allowed God to do major healing in my life, sought out and utilized Christian counseling services as well as pastoral counseling and have been on and off antidepressants. I have dealt with folks who told me that my depression was due to a lack of faith, that medication is a crutch and that I should just get over it. I have also encountered caring and compassionate people who have walked with me through many dark nights of the soul. 

But these last 3 months, I have been off of my depression medications due to a job change and waiting on insurance to kick in. I want to paint you a picture of what my life has looked like over the last 3 months in hopes of you being able to understand high functioning depression. 

The first month off of my medication wasn't super eventful. I went to work every day, adjusted to my new job with only minor difficulties and still participated in after work activities with friends/family. Towards the middle of the first month, I noticed I was getting teary eyed at commercials or TV shows. 

The second month, May, presented some additional challenges as I noticed an increased sense of hopelessness, fatigue, and more tears. I went to work daily but I could tell my days were getting harder emotionally and I felt completely drained. I still participated in some outside activities but they, too, were becoming more challenging. 

This last month has been the hardest. I have noticed an increase in tears, irritability, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, insomnia and frustration. I have pretty much gone to work and come home. i have been isolated and withdrawn.

If you'll go back and read the last 3 paragraphs, you'll see that I wrote, I NOTICED. I didn't say that other's noticed. That's not to say that people in my inner circle aren't aware or haven't paid attention. But the thing that's tricky about high functioning depression is that the person APPEARS fully functional. They go to work, they do their job well, they take care of their responsibilities but on the inside they are struggling. The changes for many are subtle at first but they become increasingly obvious as they retreat socially, isolate, withdraw, don't participate in the activities they once enjoyed, etc.

Thankfully, as of July 1, I am back on my medication! It will take a few weeks for it to kick in but the wait is over and I should get some relief soon. 

I want to encourage you to be a noticer and notice the people around you. As I said before, the changes are subtle but if you are aware of what to look for it makes it easier. A depressed person will most likely not make the same efforts socially as they once did so you may be a light for them in a very dark place. A depressed person will not always reach out for help for many reasons but, if you are observant, you could help them in more ways then you will ever know.