PSA: High Functioning Depression

Depression. When you think of it, you probably think of someone who is sad and crying all the time. Or you may think of someone who stays in bed all day and hides away from the world. Or you may immediately think of suicidal thoughts or attempts. And while these combined components can make up the diagnosis of depression, I submit to you that this is not always the picture of depression. While I am a mental health professional this blog is not written from a clinical perspective but an experiential one. So, here goes. 

I have dealt with the effects of depression for about 20 years now (man, that makes me feel old!). If you don't know me well, you probably would never even know that it's one of my struggles. But it is. And it's been amplified these last 3 months so that's why I have decided to talk about it. 

Over these last 20 years, I have become a Christian, allowed God to do major healing in my life, sought out and utilized Christian counseling services as well as pastoral counseling and have been on and off antidepressants. I have dealt with folks who told me that my depression was due to a lack of faith, that medication is a crutch and that I should just get over it. I have also encountered caring and compassionate people who have walked with me through many dark nights of the soul. 

But these last 3 months, I have been off of my depression medications due to a job change and waiting on insurance to kick in. I want to paint you a picture of what my life has looked like over the last 3 months in hopes of you being able to understand high functioning depression. 

The first month off of my medication wasn't super eventful. I went to work every day, adjusted to my new job with only minor difficulties and still participated in after work activities with friends/family. Towards the middle of the first month, I noticed I was getting teary eyed at commercials or TV shows. 

The second month, May, presented some additional challenges as I noticed an increased sense of hopelessness, fatigue, and more tears. I went to work daily but I could tell my days were getting harder emotionally and I felt completely drained. I still participated in some outside activities but they, too, were becoming more challenging. 

This last month has been the hardest. I have noticed an increase in tears, irritability, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, insomnia and frustration. I have pretty much gone to work and come home. i have been isolated and withdrawn.

If you'll go back and read the last 3 paragraphs, you'll see that I wrote, I NOTICED. I didn't say that other's noticed. That's not to say that people in my inner circle aren't aware or haven't paid attention. But the thing that's tricky about high functioning depression is that the person APPEARS fully functional. They go to work, they do their job well, they take care of their responsibilities but on the inside they are struggling. The changes for many are subtle at first but they become increasingly obvious as they retreat socially, isolate, withdraw, don't participate in the activities they once enjoyed, etc.

Thankfully, as of July 1, I am back on my medication! It will take a few weeks for it to kick in but the wait is over and I should get some relief soon. 

I want to encourage you to be a noticer and notice the people around you. As I said before, the changes are subtle but if you are aware of what to look for it makes it easier. A depressed person will most likely not make the same efforts socially as they once did so you may be a light for them in a very dark place. A depressed person will not always reach out for help for many reasons but, if you are observant, you could help them in more ways then you will ever know.  

Get Your Heart Right!

Over the last several months I became increasingly frustrated with my job. Staff changes, rule changes, bureaucracy and red tape brought me to my limit. My frustration led me to grumble and complain, not to very many people but to a few. It came to the point where I dreaded going to work due to a particular individual who had begun to show outright contempt for me (even my co-worker had started to notice). I had begun to look for a new job but to no avail. I received no interviews or phone calls despite completing many applications for jobs that I was more than qualified for. 

One Saturday, after a particularly dreadful week with lots of tension and hostility with this individual, I got down on the ground before the Lord with my face buried in the floor. (This is a very difficult task due to my back injury but that is kind of what makes this all even more powerful to me.) 

I began to express every frustration to God and my complaints regarding this particular individual. I told God, "I can't love them. You have to love them through me. You have to give me Your love for them." And then I prayed in the Spirit until I came to a place of peace. (The Holy Spirit really does give us the power we need for daily living but this is a topic for another day.) By the power of the Holy Spirit, I began to pray blessings over this individual, a person I had seen as my enemy. I prayed that they would be blessed in every possible way. The crazy thing was that I meant it!  I just had to get my heart right before God. 

Shortly after my prayer time, I began checking my phone for job postings. It seemed like suddenly there were more new postings than had been posted in a long time so I began applying.

Throughout that weekend, I found myself praying for this individual.  

On Monday, I went to work and encountered the person that I had spent the weekend praying for. They attempted to be cold towards me but by the power of God's Spirit, I was able to love on them and be extra kind despite the attempts to bring tension and chaos. Later that day, I received not one but two phone calls for job interviews!!

I went on one interview that Tuesday and was told that they would let me know something towards the end of the following week. But the next day (Wednesday) I got a call for a second interview with the director of the program for the following evening. 

Bad weather delayed my two interviews on Thursday but the following Tuesday I had a second interview with the company and by Thursday I was notified that I had gotten the job!

I firmly believe that the reason I have a new job now is because I got my heart right. God hates grumbling and complaining yet I do it more than I care to admit. But allowing Him to come in and change me, change my attitude, change my perspective is what makes all the difference in the world!

Maybe, you, like me, have a situation or person that has been causing you major frustration. My challenge to you is to get your heart right!  Not so that God will give you the thing you want. In my heart I had come to the place that if God never opened another door for a job, that I could be content right where I was. Getting your heart right simply means giving God access and permission to work in your heart and if we ask Him to change us, He most certainly will! That is where the true blessing is! 

So, GET YOUR HEART RIGHT! It will do you more good than you realize!

I Want the Isaac Not the Ishmael

Some days my heart is just so full and I have so much to share. And because I often process things out in my life by talking or writing, you guys get to be a part of that.
 
I'm single. There, I said it. For some of you that will come as a shock but it's true. You may have seen the cute Facebook posts of myself and my boyfriend (at the time) and we were quite cute together. We had a lot in common and fell in love quickly. So, quickly, in fact, that we were planning our wedding and our life together. And from the outside, it appeared to be a God thing on every account. Even for me, on the inside, it felt like a God thing. It felt like the desires of my heart were finally being fulfilled, to be someone's wife and helpmate. However, I am now single. I'll tell you more about that in a little bit.
 
In the book of Genesis (Chapters 15-17), we read about Abram and Sara, a couple who desperately wanted a child. Instead of waiting for the Lord to bring about His promise to Abram of becoming the father of many nations, Sara got tired of waiting and decided to make some things happen. She gave her slave, Hagar, to Abram to sleep with in the hopes that she would conceive and ultimately fulfill Sara's dream of becoming a mother and the promise made to Abram. Hagar did conceive and bore a son named Ishmael. And while Ishmael was a blessing from God to Hagar, he was not the way that God wanted to fulfill his promise to Abram. Eventually, Sara conceived and bore a son named Isaac, who was indeed the fulfillment of God's promise.

Now, I'm not going to expound on that a whole lot because I think you get the idea and you can read the account for your self.

Back to my story. While, I don't actually think I made the relationship happen between me and my now ex, I can very much relate to the above story. Like I said before, if you were an onlooker, it looked like the perfect match. We both loved Jesus. We had the same views on major life issues (abortion, marriage, child rearing, etc.) His son loved us both together and really liked me.

However, there were 2 major beliefs that he held that I did not agree with. And while I could have just overlooked them, they were MAJOR spiritual belief issues for me (you don't really need to know what they were).

One Sunday morning at church, I began wrestling with the Lord about those issues. I tried to convince myself that the issues weren't as major as I was making them out to be. But I couldn't get away from the fact that they were non-negotiable issues for me and to ignore them would ultimately be to deny major parts of who I am as a believer. After much prayer and wrestling, I knew I had to end the relationship.

This relationship, I believe was my Ishmael. It looked like God, it felt like God, but it was not God's best for me. It taught me a lot about myself, it taught me even more about God's protection and grace.

All of that to say, I want the Isaac not the Ishmael. And my prayer is that you do to. Don't try to make something happen and don't fight for something that God wants you to lay down. He will honor you and bless you for your obedience and your willingness to wait for the promise to be fulfilled.

Choose Wisely

Over the last few days, the power of choice has been on my mind and heart. Particularly in the realm of my attitude. Yesterday, I came across this quote:

 

"I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day to day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important that my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position.

 

Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley to deep, no dream to extreme, no challenge too great for me."-Charles R. Swindoll

 

 

I have had some very challenging experiences here lately which have impacted me greatly. My immediate reaction, sadly, is a fleshly one, to become frustrated or upset over the circumstances. However, here lately, I am learning the power of quickly switching to a godly reaction instead. I mean, it would be fabulous if the godly reaction was my first reaction but I am still very much a work in progress. So, how does this work? Well, it's all about choosing wisely.

 

Philippians 4:8 tells us this, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. 

 

2 Corinthians 10:5 says to, "Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."

 

These 2 verses tell me that I have a choice in my attitude. I can focus on my circumstances and become frustrated by them or I can focus on the Creator and His character.

 

Last Friday, I had a super frustrating day. It was literally, one issue after another. (I'll spare you the details- but just know I was in tears.) I wanted to have a pity party and be Negative Natalie. But I knew that wouldn't do me a lick of good. So, instead I began to encourage myself in the Lord. This is what that looked like:

 

God is faithful and He is love. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is the Creator, the transformer, the reconciler and the redeemer. He makes all thing...s new. He redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. He is my shield and my rampart, my glory and the lifter of my head. He goes before me and makes every crooked place straight. He satisfies my desires with good things. When I am tired or weary, I will mount up with wings like an eagle. I am the apple of his eye. He is attentive to my cries. His ways are perfect and his love casts out all fear. He is my rock and my refuge, my help in the day of trouble. He is my strong tower and fortress. He sets a table before me in the presence of my enemies. His perfect love casts out all my fears. In him, I am safe, secure, blessed, favored, redeemed, healed, loved, forgiven, chosen, beloved, beautiful, and accepted!!

The shift in my focus caused a shift in my attitude. But the choice of choosing to shift my focus was mine. And it's yours. While I would love for this to be my response all of the time, I am still working on it. Hopefully, together though, we can choose wisely!

Things I Have Learned In The Slammer (At Least While Working In One)

I have spent the last 5 months in the slammer. A men's prison to be exact. As a female social worker. My out date is November 21, 2014. Some people go to prison and they come out the same way they went in. Others learn from their mistakes, they learn about themselves and they become better citizens. And yet, still others, like me, learn from their experiences and take the knowledge/wisdom on to the next part of the journey. 

When I tell people I am leaving my "dream job" after working there for only 5 months, they are kind of at a loss for words. You see, ever since my interactions with a ministry called Insight for Inmates back in 2001, I have been hooked on prison ministry and have had a heart for inmates. So, it would make perfect sense that when a social work job opened up in a men's prison that I would be totally pumped, which I was. But as I said before, the slammer will teach you things, whether you want to learn them or not. The following is a list of both serious and humorous lessons I have learned about myself, inmates and the prison system in general. 

1. I am not a mean person. 

You know, no one has ever called me a mean person but I, like everyone, battle with the occasional mean thoughst, comments or actions. But the thing about prison, is that working in that environment, a certain level of sternness, meanness and even straight up ignoring is required. If you know me at all, I can have moments of sternness when necessary but that is not in my nature and being dismissive of a manipulating complaint is certainly not a part of my compassionate soul. While I have learned to have very strict boundaries, to not let inmates walk all over me as well as staff, I am a little too compassionate and sensitive to work with this population on a regular basis.  

2. Throwing urine and feces is a fairly common tactic to get attention but it really does no good.

Sometimes, I really have thought I was working at a daycare, especially when I have to go down the tier to check on an inmate's mental status and wind up fussing at them for acting like a 2 year old! THROWING PEE AND POOP DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS!!! Good thing I can't smell!

3. I am no longer naive Natalie. 

Before I found myself working in the prison setting, I was pretty naive, gullible, innocent, etc. But after dealing with the most manipulative of individuals and with the most severe personality disorders, I can no longer be called naive. It's actually kind of funny now because the guys know me as someone who doesn't play around.

4. Paper suicide gowns do absolutely nothing to cover the human body. 

(This is pretty self-explanatory.)

5. Inmates are people too. 

This will probably be one of the more controversial lessons I have learned but I kind of knew it before I went in the slammer. These guys have made bad choices. Some more than others. And they are paying for their crimes behind bars. But they are still human. They still have feelings. Some really have learned their lesson. Some really want to do better. Some could care less. Some will remain the same as when they walked through the gates. Either way, they are people. People who have had some traumatic experiences in their past. People who have literally lost everything and everyone because the path they chose. I am not making excuses for them but if you could sit across from them and hear their stories, you would realize that it very well could be you (or me) in the orange jumpsuit. 

6. I have seen way more butts and fronts than I ever want to see. 

Thanks in part to guys showering or using the bathroom while I am on the tier, guys being in the wonderful paper suicide gowns, and guys not being allowed clothes because they lit them on fire, I have reached my quota! Dear future husband, I have eyes only for you!

7. I like to be busy. 

I kinda knew this one about myself considering my Type A personality and all but I REALLY hate to be bored at work. 

8. I am SUPER efficient and pretty much could be labeled as with an Obsessive Compulsive personality.

I like things done well, quickly, and in the most efficient manner possible. My Obsessive Compulsive personality helps me do that. 

9. We never really understand God's plan for our lives. 

When I first began working at the prison, I was on cloud 9! It was a dream come true, getting paid to do undercover prison ministry!! But the reality is that prison ministry is very different than prison social work. Yes, I have had several opportunities to pray with guys while at work but the nature of prison social work is quite different than the former. As time has gone on, I have realized that I still enjoy prison ministry but I am not cut out for prison social work at this time. But God had to help me realize that and He did so pretty quick. I thought I would be working at the prison for many years but here I am 5 months later about to start a new job in less than 2 weeks. 

10. Sometimes the journey is not as important as the people you meet along the way. 

While I still kind of beat myself up for not being able to do prison social work at this juncture in my life when I have been so sure of it all along, I have learned the value of the people you meet along the way. If God's sole purpose in having me work at a prison was to meet just one of those guys and influence them for good, then it's all been worth it. If God's sole purpose was for me to meet a friend like my buddy Gulino, then it was worth it. All of the weekends worked, all of the night shifts have all been worth it!

Now, the journey continues with a different paragraph, chapter, and page or however you want to look at it. As of November 24, 2014, I will be working at a psychiatric hospital with female patients. I will no longer be working nights or weekends, strictly days. And I am happy about this transition. But I will never forget the things I have learned in the slammer. And I hope you can learn something from my experiences too!

How A Psychopath Ruined My Christianity

Okay, so maybe the title is a bit dramatic but if you know me, so am I :) But really, this week my interactions with a particular offender have made me examine my Christianity and what love and forgiveness really look like. 

On Monday night, I had several interactions with an inmate who was clearly agitated and with each interaction he became more verbally assaulting and eventually, to the point, where he threatened to kill me. Talk about a rough night at work. While I did not respond outwardly, most of my inwardly was shaking. Seeing as how nothing I said, none of my social work speak, even slightly impacted the situation or the offender, I had to wonder some things. 

In my social work mind, I had believed that 99% of people can change as long as they want to. But there are those 1% that no matter what you try will never be rehabilitated. As I pondered my social work beliefs, I couldn't help but ponder my Christian beliefs. After all, for me they go hand in hand. I began to realize that I hold the same thinking true in my Christianity. Of course, I would never have said it but deep down I realized that I felt like some people could just never be saved by the grace of God. Wrong theology, yes. Where I was at, yes. 

On Tuesday night, I received a call that the same offender was refusing to be restrained. Since he is a mental health patient, I have to clear him before security can intervene. As I approached the tank he was in and stood at the door, I tried to address the offender. Before I could get anything out, he spit at me and cursed me telling me to get out of his face. Have you ever been spit at? This was one of my first experiences and again I began taking a long look at my Christianity. 

I finally came to the conclusion by Tuesday morning that it was going to take more than my efforts and striving to try and love this inmate. I needed the Jesus of my Christian proclamation to flow through me with his love and compassion for this inmate. 

For the few days following the event on Tuesday, I was sick. Not that I think that God authored this sickness but I think he used it to humble me and to help me to not focus on the events of Monday and Tuesday. 

Friday night I had to see the same guy. As I went in his cell to talk to him, I had no idea how he was going to respond but I felt prompted to tell him, "I forgive you." I talked to him about what I went in there for but before I left, I looked him straight in the eye and with honesty, I was able to say, I forgive you. He just looked at me but I knew he heard me.

Last night, I was in the cell block and I heard some yelling. One of the correctional officers came and found me and said the same offender wanted to see me. I went to his cell, again, unsure of how he would respond to me or what he wanted to tell me; Sure enough, out of the blue, he apologized for disrespecting me by spitting at me and cursing me. We then had a 20 minute conversation in which I was able to share with him how I truly believe he is capable of great things. And again, I think he heard me. 

While we didn't hug and sing Kumbaya (because that would be very awkward and inappropriate in a prison setting) I believe God used this guy to change my heart and my idea of Christianity. Now I believe that God can literally change any life! Before I merely acknowledged the concept but now I believe it and I can't wait to see it! 

If Only You Could See What I See (At My Job)

It's been a while but here I am. Life has been full of transitions here lately from grad school, to no job, to almost having a job, to not getting that job, to having a job, and to having a better job in my field. And that's what I want to talk about today. 

My new job is at an all male medium/maximum security prison. Soon I will be one of the night social workers but for now I have been training on day shifts for the last month. People ask me a myriad of questions about my career choice but these are the most frequent:

1. Why a men's prison?
2. Aren't you afraid?
3. What do you DO there?
4. Why do you want to work there?

So, I will use this platform to answer these questions for both you guys and myself. 

WHY A MEN'S PRISON?

Well, the long and the short of it is that this is the door that God has opened for me to walk through. Since about March of this year, I have applied for 50 jobs easily. One job, that I thought was a door the Lord opened, abruptly closed and this door was the next wide open one. Out of the 40 applicants, 5 individuals were chosen for interviews and I was the one that was offered the position (sounds like a God set up to me!).

AREN'T YOU AFRAID?

At the start of last fall semester, when I realized I would be on an all male psych unit at my internship, I had great concerns. I don't know that I was ever out right afraid but I definitely dealt with some initial anxiety until I learned the guys on our unit. While our guys were mostly mentally stable, they still had committed major crimes and most had been found Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity. 

So, to make the transition to the all men's prison, I had that same initial anxiety until I met some of the men on my caseload. And now, I'm not even anxious. I am alert and I am prepared but not afraid. 

WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?

Each day looks a little different but there are several common tasks. Each inmate that has a mental health diagnosis must be seen once every two weeks by a social worker. I have a caseload of men that I meet with for one on one sessions. At this point I meet with them in the Diagnostic office but when I move to night shifts I will meet with them on the cell blocks and in the dorms. Additionally, I also help with the individuals put on suicide watch. We have to make rounds to see them and when an inmate indicates they will hurt themselves or others, we have to put them on suicide watch which essentially means that they have to be placed in special cells and checked regularly to ensure their safety. Of course, with any job, paperwork is involved so I do some of that and when my night schedule starts, I will lead a group and I will participate in night court for those offenders who have been written up. So this area will expand when I move to night shift. 

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK THERE?

Perhaps my favorite question to be asked about my new place of employment is why I want to work in a prison. And my automatic response tends to be, "Why not?" When I look at the life of Jesus, He majored in the outcasts, the lepers, the people that others wrote off, the broken, the bruised, the scarred, the SINNERS. Jesus LOVES THE UNLOVELY! He looks for the hurting. He likes to find people to show forgiveness and grace too. He chooses ones that others will disregard. If that is who Jesus is drawn to, shouldn't that be who I am drawn too?

When I see these men sitting across from me in a counseling session, laying practically naked on the ground in their cell, walking across the yard or down the walk, I can't help but have compassion on them. Yes, some have stolen, some have molested, some have killed but is there sin any worse than mine? There is no such thing as venial and mortal sins...they are all God separating acts that keep us from the love of Christ. But repentance changes things. And while I may not have the capacity and the capability to reach each and every inmate in that prison, I know that the love of Christ is what will draw them to repentance. If I can show them respect and patience, if I can extend grace and keep no record of their wrongs, if I can instill hope and help them find peace, then I have done what God has called me to do. Yes, I am a social worker but I am a kingdom seeker too! And I can't help but see 2500 men with the potential to be transformed by Christ!

This is my calling for this season and I am thrilled about it! You may be petrified at even the thought of me walking inside a prison gate. But I ask you for your prayers. I need the wisdom of Christ each and every day to talk to/minister to these men. I got nothing on my own but I need to know when to be firm and assertive and when to be kind and accepting. Pray for even greater levels of compassion and that I will see each man as Jesus sees him. So if the Lord leads you, pray for me. And I pray that one day, maybe, you can see what I see!

What I've Learned at the Psych Hospital....So Far

I never would have imagined, for the last 7 months, I would be at a psych hospital. 

Not as a patient, although some would argue I should be, but as a Social Work Intern.

And the reality is I probably wouldn't have ever chosen to be in that setting without the prompting of the Lord. Like most people, I had absolutely no idea what to expect as my only real exposure to mental illness was in the media, on shows like Prison Break and in the movie Patch Adams. So, to dispel some misconceptions and myths, I want to share with you what I have learned and what I continue to learn each day. 

1. Individuals with mental illness should not be defined by their diagnosis.
I think oftentimes, we view individuals that are different, maybe people who are incarcerated or those in a psych hospital, as less than human. We see their illness or diagnosis instead of the person behind it. You hear this a lot in the way we use language, "he's schizophrenic", "he's autistic" or "she's bipolar." In social work, we try to use person first language as we like to call it. Instead of "he's schizophrenic" we would say "a person with schizophrenia". Do you see the difference? Think about it this way..."she's breast cancer"...would we ever say that?? NO WAY! We would say "she has breast cancer" because she is not her diagnosis. Sadly, even our patients often refer to themselves as their diagnosis and so we must retrain them to think differently. But the thing to remember is that diagnosis does not equal identity. 

2. Mental illness does not equal demon possession as many Christians believe or have been taught. 
This lesson will likely put me under fire but I don't really care because after spending months and months with these patients, you can't honestly tell me that they are all demon possessed. You see, I never really understood mental illness and I have spent the majority of the last 7 months determining how I view mental illness in light of being a Christian and a social worker. To help me in this, I have been reading 2 books, Grace for the Afflicted and Troubled Minds. (I highly recommend them if you want to know more about mental illness!!) These books have been tremendously helpful in my journey of understanding mental illness but I am still working this out with the Lord. But as I interview patients, I find many traumas and abuses as well as family histories of mental illness. So, while some would argue those are still the works of demons, may I remind you that we live in a fallen world, one that is full of sin and depravity. So, yes, I think there is more in play than the view of demon possession.

3. Individuals with mental illness, on the whole, are not really as scary as you would imagine. 
As I noted previously, my experience with mental illness prior to this internship was entirely based on the media, as my guess is yours is too. And let's be honest, media is not usually accurate. The guy that murder's Patch Adams girlfriend, yes, he was scary. In my last 7 months, I have probably only been scared twice and both times, the individuals were in the midst of psychotic episodes. No, they didn't hit or attack but were more verbally accosting than anything. Now, don't get me wrong, several of out patients have been deemed Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity for crimes they committed while having a psychotic episode, which I'm sure were quite scary but on the whole, in the hospital, a level of stability occurs within the first few days with the medication. Again, this goes back to Lesson Number 1, these individuals are human beings and they are not their diagnosis. If you can remember that, they are even less scary than you can imagine. 

4. Individuals with mental illness need acceptance, a listening ear, a lot of patience and a lot of love.
Christians ask me quite often how I can work with this population and not get to pray for them and tell them about Jesus.And I must ask in response, "if this is our only idea of what Christianity looks like, are we missing something?" I think one of my favorite Bible stories in this season is the woman at the well, probably because her issues remind me of a lot of our patients. Yes, the woman had husband issues but she was going to the well to draw water at a time when none of the other women would be there because she was an outcast and she was ashamed. But then enter Jesus. Jesus talked with her, accepted her (not her sin), listened to her story with care and patience and poured our a whole lot of love on her, which ultimately led to her salvation. Elsewhere in Scripture, Jesus talks about the importance a single cup of water can make in the Kingdom; so how could I think that taking time to listen to patients, even when they are delusional and not making a lick of sense, is of no importance? I like to think that all of these acts in Lesson 4 lay the ground work for a relationship with Jesus but even if I never see it, but do it in the name of the Lord, then God will honor that. 

I feel like there are more lessons I am learning but I will wait to share those another day. Hopefully, the lessons I've shared can be helpful to you and, if nothing else, challenge the way you view individuals with mental illness. 

Peace, Be Still!

Without the active presence of the Lord in my life, I have no idea where I would be or what my life would look like. Many individuals have been led to believe that becoming a Christian solves all of your problems and that life becomes "easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl!" However, that is not Biblically accurate and I can tell you from my own experiences this has not proved true in my life. You see, once I gave control of my life over to the Lord, the enemy of my soul was none too pleased and the war for my heart raged on. I am not one to blame everything difficult, hard or bad on Satan because sometimes while it may feel like "the devil made me do it" oftentimes, it is my own sin nature rearing it's ugly head or unhealed wounds that are draining into my life. And sometimes, many times, the Lord sets me up for hard things so He can prove to me, once again, my need for Him. 

I can say this now that the holidays are over but I am not too fond of them.(I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer for those of you who love them!) From about November-January, I battle depression as many tend to do around this time of year. The reason being is that it becomes a very lonely time for this single girl. My family doesn't do an exceptional amount of holiday related activities except on the actual holiday. So, much of my time is spent alone and feelings of loneliness envelop me. While I try not to dwell on those emotions, too often they have consumed me. 

As I drove home to my parents' house this Christmas, I turned my radio off and just listened for the Lord. This is one of my favorite things to do on road trips as it is uninterrupted time for the Lord to speak. I believe I had been crying and placing my frustrations with the season before the Lord when He began to speak and I began to sing. Here are the words:

Peace, be still, I am with you

Peace, be still, I’m by your side

Emmanuel, I’m God with you

Prince of Peace, I bring to you

I know your heart

I see your face

And I’m right beside you

Running the race

So keep believin’, keep on trustin', keep on hopin’

‘Cause I will come through

I will come through always for you

I will come through always for you

For my delight is in you

I rejoice over you with singing

I rejoice over you

I delight in you

Though you’re lonely

Though you’re hurting

Though you’re sick

And wounded too

I am with you healing your heart

I am with you no matter what

Keep on trustin’, keep believin’

Keep on hopin’ cause I will come through

Little did I know how much I would need this song in the days and weeks to come. The lyrics have been in my head and my spirit almost without ceasing.You see, the depression, thanks to some medication, has decreased almost completely. But I have since started to experience something I have never walked through before at this level: ANXIETY. You may not know this but I am in graduate school, working towards my Master's of Social Work. I am set to graduate in May, given I pass the comprehensive exam on January 21. Yes, I said COMPREHENSIVE, meaning the last 3 years of my schooling are fair game on this 50 question test. Normally, I have some worry over school work but never before have I had actual physical symptoms of anxiety that caused me to seek medical assistance. I recognize this is a spiritual attack as well as my flesh trying to rise up and succeed in and of it's own self. I am keenly aware!

This morning, though, I came across this Scripture in Psalms 94:18-19:

When I said, "My foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. 

Some individuals say that Christianity is a crutch and if you are going on the mere definition that a crutch provides support then I guess you are correct. But crutches can't bring joy, hope and peace in the midst of circumstances that would cause the best of us anxiety or sadness or insert emotion here. So, while I continue to let the Lord support me and bring me peace and joy, I wanted to share with you the words/the song that He gave to me. PEACE, BE STILL, HE IS WITH YOU!

My Mind Wandered in Sunday School

This morning in the young adult Sunday School class we had a discussion about faith. We talked about those times in Scripture where Jesus rebuked his disciples, "O ye of little faith!" and then those times when Jesus commended individuals for their faith. We explored the definition of faith which included the words: trust and assurance.

But I must admit that throughout the whole lesson my mind was not necessarily on faith but on the character of God. As I pondered the correlation between God's character and faith, I began to realize how imperative it is for the Christ follower to know the character of God. It is of utmost importance that we allow God to reveal His character to us through both His word and our interactions with Him in prayer.

When I look at the many times in my life when I begin to be faith-less or become anxious, it is usually when I have lost sight of who God is. And what do I mean by that, I mean that I have lost sight of His character, the attributes that make God God! (More on this in a minute.)

There is no doubt that faith and trust are intricately linked and many times we use the terms interchangeably in the church realm. Let's look at all of this from a natural rather than just a spiritual perspective for a moment. 

Those individuals in my life that I trust, that I have faith in, are those people who I have had the experience of learning their character. I have found that those people, while they are human and will no doubt let me down or hurt me, have a depth of character that allows me to feel safe enough to share my life and heart with them, to trust them, to have faith in them. 

Part of me can't help but wonder if this whole idea isn't why God calls us to a personal relationship with Him rather than a religion. With religion, we just learn rules and why we need behavior modification. With relationship, we learn His character and His heart! And then, He is gracious enough to reveal to us who we are in Him! 

When I know His character, it is a lot easier for me to have faith in Him! I know He is faithful, I know He is loving and I know that He is not a man that He should lie! I know that He is good and I know that He is merciful! I know that He is gracious and that He is peace! 

Sooo, maybe I did pay a little more attention in Sunday School than it seemed!  

Faith and the character of God, I don't think you can have the former without knowing the latter!

Are We As Christians Scared of this Non-Believing World?

I don't really know why I feel led to write this post but because I feel led, I will obey. I was in a Bible study tonight and the conversation surrounding a specific question prompted this question in me: "Are we as Christians scared of this non-believing world?" 

The question in the study asked, "What opportunities do you have for contact with unbelievers? What could you to do increase these opportunities?" In thinking about this question, I have been at both ends of the spectrum, seasons in my life where it seemed like all that was around were "unbelievers" and then other times only "believers". And I began to think about which I prefer. 

When I worked at a Bible college, I often referred to the experience as being in a Christian bubble. My co-workers were Christians, our students were Christians and the only other thing I did besides work was go to church...with other Christians. I remember getting restless being solely around Christians. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty easy being in the Christian bubble. Many things were kept at bay due to the rules and regulations of the Bible college, at least I should say in my realm. We as staff went to chapel at least once a week and our days started with group prayer. It was a pretty great deal. But then I started to get stagnant and really restless. There was no one to share the Good News with. Yes, I encouraged the students and prayed with co-workers but as far as being around "unbelievers" I had to go search them out. I remember going to a specific restaurant, almost weekly, to try and develop a relationship with this one particular waitress, so I could tell her some Good News. (Trying to evangelize the world without relationship is pretty useless but I digress.) This soon to be friend was all up in the world, very non-believing and very much in need of Jesus (aren't we all?!) But minus this new friend, I pretty much remained in the Christian bubble.

This season of life finds me at an internship made up of 90% unbelievers and I attend a public university for  graduate school that probably consists of about 85% unbelievers. And when I think about my next internship, I will be in the darkest of the dark places, a mental health hospital with probably even higher levels of unbelievers. If I allow myself, I can become scared of the internship that lies ahead, scared of the unbelieving world that I live in and the world of mental illness that I am about to enter. But in those moments when I start to feel fear or find myself starting to pull away from the world so that it's doesn't influence me poorly, I have to remind myself that GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD!! I have no reason to fear the world or the unbeliever. I think that too often, Christians quote Scriptures that call for separation from the world to lead a holy life without balancing that out with the other half of Scriptures that call us to go into all the world and share the gospel or to go meet the needs of the needy or just plain go show them love. I know that I have been guilty of this so I am not trying to point fingers at anyone. I just feel a burning in my spirit that we as THE CHURCH need to rise up, to not fear the things of this world and to know that HE has overcome the world and since HE lives in us, so do we! When we look at Jesus' ministry, He was all up in the world! No, he didn't participate in all of the things of the world and I am not saying we should either but He was right in the mix, right next to the unbeliever showin' em love. 

I read a Beth Moore quote today that said something to the effect of "we don't share our faith because we don't have enough of it." This challenges me. And I would like to add that "we don't go into this unbelieving world because we are scared of it."

I don't want to be scared of this world or the unbeliever. I don't want to be ashamed of the Good News that transformed my life. I want to be such a bright light in a dark place that people are nearly blinded by the Jesus in me. And I want to have enough faith that I have plenty to share, an overabundance. 

Feel free to share your thoughts or comments. 

So, there's this...branch...

So, there's this...branch...yes, a tree branch, that has had my attention for the last several months and today I finally have the courage to talk about it! I noticed this branch in my front yard one day. Why? Because it's just not right. You see, instead of being parallel to the ground, like the other branches near it, this one is perpendicular and it looks as if it's heading South! It's leaves (or should I say needles) are mostly brown, with a few green ones here and there while the rest of the tree has remained green through and through. You can tell that this branch is barely hanging on. 

Sometimes, I feel like this branch.

I believe it came to it's current condition after the last Hurricane we had here. The storm took down many other branches and limbs but this one appears to be fighting to hang on, to stay connected. Since that storm, many more have come, the winds have blown and the rains have come but it remains. 

My mind meanders to John 15 (vs 1-8) where Jesus shares about the vine and the branches: 

I am the True Vine, and My Father is the Vinedresser. Any branch in Me that does not bear fruit [that stops bearing] He cuts away (trims off, takes away); and He cleanses and repeatedly prunes every branch that continues to bear fruit, to make it bear more and richer and more excellent fruit. You are cleansed and pruned already, because of the word which I have given you [the teachings I have discussed with you]. Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing. If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a [broken-off] branch, and withers; such branches are gathered up and thrown into the fire, and they are burned. If you live in Me [abide vitally united to Me] and My words remain in you and continue to live in your hearts, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you. When you bear (produce) much fruit, My Father is honored and glorified, and you show and prove yourselves to be true followers of Mine. I have loved you, [just] as the Father has loved Me; abide in My love [continue in His love with Me].

There are times where, like this branch, I feel barely connected , like the storms of life have left me barely able to hang on. And then there are times when I know I am vitally connected, vitally united to the vine. 

I think my lesson to learn from the branch is to keep hanging on! Yes, the branch doesn't have much of a natural chance to be fully reconnected to the vine but thankfully, spiritually is a different matter! I want to remain vitally united with Him and I am thankful that He is my source of strength, hope and love!

Forget About It!

FORGET ABOUT IT!

I don't know about you but I have difficulty forgetting. I'm kind of like an elephant in that regard as the old adage goes, "An elephant never forgets." Many people have difficulty remembering things and as I have learned in my DSM class, there are many categories even for that (Amnestic Disorders, Alzheimer's Disorders, etc.)!

But yesterday I was reminded to forget. And the reminder went something like this:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past! See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs

up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." 

~Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

I like the way the Amplified Bible says it too:

"Do not (earnestly) remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am 

doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Throughout Scripture we are often told to REMEMBER the things the Lord has done for us as a reminder of  His faithfulness to us. But here we are told to FORGET THE FORMER THINGS!! 

So, here's what I am forgetting, with the Lord's help:

*MY PAST SINS
*MY PAST HURTS

*MY PAST FAILURES

Let's FORGET ABOUT IT! (said with a thick Italian mobster-like accent!) ;) 

Power Source

I love when the Lord gives a natural experience to give a spiritual illustration! So, I will share with you!

My laptop is getting old in laptop years (yes, that's like dog years but worse!). Well, it's sad to say but I managed to kill my battery and so my laptop MUST REMAIN PLUGGED IN! A few months ago, I could unplug it for a few minutes and transfer it to another room and it would remain on but it's gotten to the point now, that if it comes UNPLUGGED, even if just for a second, it dies, which is what happened just before I started writing this post. Due to that fact, I am constantly checking my CONNECTION to make sure the cord is PLUGGED IN so my computer will work. In this, I have been reminded of John 15 in which Jesus shares the parable of the vine and branches. Here it is from the Amplified:

4 Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me.

⁵ I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.

⁶ If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a [broken-off] branch, and withers; such branches are gathered up and thrown into the fire, and they are burned.

⁷ If you live in Me [abide vitally united to Me] and My words remain in you and continue to live in your hearts, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you.

I don't know about you but sometimes fruit and tree illustrations are a little beyond my comprehension level since about all I do is see them from a far and I surely don't do any pruning. But because I am semi-technological, I get the idea of a power source being required and in my poor laptop's case, needing to remain vitally united the power cord. The Lord IS my power source but sometimes I come UNPLUGGED or disconnected and have to be PLUGGED back in and sometimes REBOOTED. Abiding is that place of staying PLUGGED IN. Apart from my power source, my laptop can do nothing. Apart from the Lord, I can't do anything either. 

So, let's stay PLUGGED in to THE Power Source. And if for some reason we get DISCONNECTED OR UNPLUGGED, let's plug back in quickly!

Carrying Grace

As I was coming home to rest in between doctor visits, I turned the radio up to listen. K-love, though, was full of static. I hit the button for my CD player only to find a CD I didn't want to listen to at that moment. So I reached for a small stash of CD's and hidden behind an African safari CD (don't ask) was a Hosanna First CD and it simply said "Prophetic Word 11/28/10". I knew this wasn't by chance and so I put it in the player. And here were the words that came through my speaker:

Don’t lose heart at this time says the Lord. Even though the struggles may seem to be difficult they won’t last forever. For this season that you’re going through, I want you to keep walking through. That season won’t last forever says the Lord. Be encouraged and know that I am God and that there is nothing impossible with me. There are times when you must walk down certain roads in order to get on certain highways. I am leading you and guiding you says the Lord. I have not forsaken you neither have I abandoned you and You’re not alone, I am with you. Draw close to me and know that this season of challenges will not last forever for I am bringing you out by the power of My Spirit. Those things that seem so difficult now, as you look up the mountain, you will rejoice as you stand on top of the mountain. For my refreshing is coming says the Lord, and I will minister to you. Draw near to me in this time and don’t get weary in well doing says the Lord. 

I remember this word being ever so needed in 2010 when I heard it the first time but it is just as relevant today! This past Sunday, Pastor spoke another prophetic word and the element that stuck out was that the Lord has not forsaken or abandoned me.

I hear ya Lord, loud and clear! :)

I stand in awe at the Lord's timing and his "carrying grace" (the term He gave me this morning). 

Turn, Turn, Turn

Well, well, well..yes, it has been awhile but here I am! I have told you guys before that this healing journey, while always well worth it, is quite possibly the hardest thing of my life. So, I am learning that there are seasons of debilitating pain, necessary silence, required rest, and then, refreshing recovery. 


With the Lord illuminating the seasons, He led me to re-read Ecclesiastes 3. I have read Ecclesiastes before but I'm gonna be honest, it's not my go-to book of the Bible, it's kind of in the same category as Job to me. It's quite depressing, actually. The author starts the book by talking about how "everything is meaningless." If that's not sobering, I don't know what else is. But in Ecclesiastes 3 we begin to read that there is a time for everything (that's the chapter heading!). You have probably heard the old song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds and they took the words pretty much verbatim from our passage here in Ecclesiastes. Here's how the NIV says it:


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

As I was re-reading this the other day, the verse that says "a time to kill and a time to heal" stood out like me on a mission trip in Africa...or Mexico...or China. I don't know about you but in my mind, a time to kill and a time to heal don't seem like they go together. So, I have been pondering that verse for a few days now. And, while I don't have a definitive answer for us as to the full meaning, I do have some life examples of the last season I have been in as well as some Scripture to help us explore. 

In Galatians 5:24 we are told that "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 


In Galatians 2:20 we are reminded that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."


From these verses, we can identify that in our position as Christ lovers, death has already occurred. We HAVE BEEN crucified, which means it already happened, it's a done deal. What I fail to think about though, is that crucifixion is not only death but it is being KILLED. It is physically impossible to crucify (KILL) oneself, we can't do it. That's God's job and it happens at salvation. God kills our old sinful nature, he crucifies it. What we fail to understand is that in our condition here on Earth, we don't always see or recognize the death of our old nature. We still do a lot of the same things we did before we got saved. We often think the same, have the same attitudes, have the same wrong motives, etc. Oh, we may stop the external, visible things because we are now a Christian and Christian's aren't supposed to do that (as we are quickly told upon entering the church world). But Scripture says we HAVE BEEN crucified so why is our flesh still a problem if it's dead? Why does our flesh feel very much alive? Let's look at another Scripture in Colossians. 


In Colossians 3:5 we are told to "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."


Okay, so....if we have been crucified and our sinful nature is dead, why are we being told by the Apostle Paul to PUT TO DEATH our earthly nature? If something is dead, what is the need for putting it to death? At first, this whole thing can seem confusing and even contradicting as all of these statements were penned by the same guy. But here's a little illustration the Lord just gave me to help us understand. 


While, I don't make it a habit of seeing things like this...have you ever seen a worm get cut in half or a snake get it's head chopped off? Well, if you haven't, consider yourself blessed. If you have, you know that at the chopping off or KILLING (for our purposes), the snake is dead. (He HAVE BEEN killed...pardon my grammar). However, the snake continues to move and even looks alive still because it takes some time for the heart to quit pumping and the snake to realize it's dead. Gross, I know...sorry! But I hope this helps us get the point. 

The PUT TO DEATH part of Colossians is me with the help of the Lord recognizing that I am dead to my earthly, fleshly nature and me allowing the Lord to make that a reality in every area of my condition or life here on earth which feels like death because it is. A time to KILL is necessary for the Christian because unless something or someone is DEAD (and I will add, that they know it)  they can't be raised back to life, which is the ultimate HEALING. Only dead things can be resurrected! 


So, death is becoming a reality in my life. The Lord is showing me things in my life that have not recognized there death yet. Those things are being "put to death" and I know that the next season is further healing. While a time to kill doesn't at first seem to go with a time to heal, death precedes resurrection! I am dead and I am slowly beginning to realize it. I hope you do too! 

Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition

It has been over a month since my last post which is far from normal for me. In the posts leading up to this post-al lapse, I had shared that I was in a place of deep healing and the truth of the matter is, I still am. I have been in a season of quiet and a season of much revelation and quite honestly, I haven't had much to say...well, I haven't had much that I wanted to share, let's put it that way. I have realized that I like to give you guys the posts after the trial or when the season is starting to look up. But this morning I was reading in Soul Repair (one of 4 books I am working through right now) about testimony and how honest and humble testimony about my struggles and God's grace minister more to others than the flowery "Life was bad. God is good. I have no struggles in my life" stories. So, here we go with the honest and humble testimony!

I have shared with you guys the dangerous prayer I prayed in which I asked the Lord to debunk every lie that I have ever believed about myself and about Him. And He has been and is being faithful to answer that prayer.

One of the biggest lies that the Lord has shown me that I believe about myself is that I am my performance. If I perform well, I am good. If I perform poorly, I am bad. My performance is my identity. As such, I, of course, have made it my purpose and goal in life, to only perform well. I perform for myself. I perform to prove my worth to myself, to you and to God. I perform for you to like me and think well of me and ultimately so that you will not reject me. And the hardest pill of all to swallow is that I perform for God. If I pray enough, read my Bible enough, serve enough, fast enough, love enough, deny myself enough, minister enough, and trust enough, then God will accept me.

Now, cognitively, I know that these are all lies. I get it. I see it. I could preach to you about the fact that we are under grace and not under law. I could tell you that God could care less about your performance but just wants you as a person. But the reality is that truth is still getting inside of me. It's still en route to my inner parts. And I believe it will get there!

With this lie being at the forefront of God's latest revelations (well, I guess a deeper revelation is a better way to describe it), I have come to realize that my whole life has been that of performance or seeking approval. I have also realized that I do most things out of this nagging sense of obligation, this sense that if I don't do it, who will? (NOTE: I am not saying service is bad. Please don't misinterpret me. I am saying that our motivations for serving need to be in the right place, not as a route to favor, approval or acceptance.) 

So, as you can imagine, this greater revelation of myself has rocked me to my core. The Lord is stripping me of everything I have known, every place I get approval, every form of service and law and every sense of obligation. My house has been built on sand because it's not my performance that makes me acceptable, it's Jesus. The Lord is doing Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition and we are in demolition mode right now. But the hope of re-building and getting a better than ever, grace-walking Natalie is very real. Ultimately, I wish it only took 7 days and we could yell "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!" I recently read this in one of the books I am reading: No one asks a surgeon after surgery, "How long did it take?" but rather "Did you get it all?" Lord, I want you to get it all! And I look forward to the day when You shout, "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!"