It has been over a month since my last post which is far from normal for me. In the posts leading up to this post-al lapse, I had shared that I was in a place of deep healing and the truth of the matter is, I still am. I have been in a season of quiet and a season of much revelation and quite honestly, I haven't had much to say...well, I haven't had much that I wanted to share, let's put it that way. I have realized that I like to give you guys the posts after the trial or when the season is starting to look up. But this morning I was reading in Soul Repair (one of 4 books I am working through right now) about testimony and how honest and humble testimony about my struggles and God's grace minister more to others than the flowery "Life was bad. God is good. I have no struggles in my life" stories. So, here we go with the honest and humble testimony!
I have shared with you guys the dangerous prayer I prayed in which I asked the Lord to debunk every lie that I have ever believed about myself and about Him. And He has been and is being faithful to answer that prayer.
One of the biggest lies that the Lord has shown me that I believe about myself is that I am my performance. If I perform well, I am good. If I perform poorly, I am bad. My performance is my identity. As such, I, of course, have made it my purpose and goal in life, to only perform well. I perform for myself. I perform to prove my worth to myself, to you and to God. I perform for you to like me and think well of me and ultimately so that you will not reject me. And the hardest pill of all to swallow is that I perform for God. If I pray enough, read my Bible enough, serve enough, fast enough, love enough, deny myself enough, minister enough, and trust enough, then God will accept me.
Now, cognitively, I know that these are all lies. I get it. I see it. I could preach to you about the fact that we are under grace and not under law. I could tell you that God could care less about your performance but just wants you as a person. But the reality is that truth is still getting inside of me. It's still en route to my inner parts. And I believe it will get there!
With this lie being at the forefront of God's latest revelations (well, I guess a deeper revelation is a better way to describe it), I have come to realize that my whole life has been that of performance or seeking approval. I have also realized that I do most things out of this nagging sense of obligation, this sense that if I don't do it, who will? (NOTE: I am not saying service is bad. Please don't misinterpret me. I am saying that our motivations for serving need to be in the right place, not as a route to favor, approval or acceptance.)
So, as you can imagine, this greater revelation of myself has rocked me to my core. The Lord is stripping me of everything I have known, every place I get approval, every form of service and law and every sense of obligation. My house has been built on sand because it's not my performance that makes me acceptable, it's Jesus. The Lord is doing Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition and we are in demolition mode right now. But the hope of re-building and getting a better than ever, grace-walking Natalie is very real. Ultimately, I wish it only took 7 days and we could yell "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!" I recently read this in one of the books I am reading: No one asks a surgeon after surgery, "How long did it take?" but rather "Did you get it all?" Lord, I want you to get it all! And I look forward to the day when You shout, "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!"
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