Forget About It!

FORGET ABOUT IT!

I don't know about you but I have difficulty forgetting. I'm kind of like an elephant in that regard as the old adage goes, "An elephant never forgets." Many people have difficulty remembering things and as I have learned in my DSM class, there are many categories even for that (Amnestic Disorders, Alzheimer's Disorders, etc.)!

But yesterday I was reminded to forget. And the reminder went something like this:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past! See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs

up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." 

~Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

I like the way the Amplified Bible says it too:

"Do not (earnestly) remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am 

doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Throughout Scripture we are often told to REMEMBER the things the Lord has done for us as a reminder of  His faithfulness to us. But here we are told to FORGET THE FORMER THINGS!! 

So, here's what I am forgetting, with the Lord's help:

*MY PAST SINS
*MY PAST HURTS

*MY PAST FAILURES

Let's FORGET ABOUT IT! (said with a thick Italian mobster-like accent!) ;) 

Power Source

I love when the Lord gives a natural experience to give a spiritual illustration! So, I will share with you!

My laptop is getting old in laptop years (yes, that's like dog years but worse!). Well, it's sad to say but I managed to kill my battery and so my laptop MUST REMAIN PLUGGED IN! A few months ago, I could unplug it for a few minutes and transfer it to another room and it would remain on but it's gotten to the point now, that if it comes UNPLUGGED, even if just for a second, it dies, which is what happened just before I started writing this post. Due to that fact, I am constantly checking my CONNECTION to make sure the cord is PLUGGED IN so my computer will work. In this, I have been reminded of John 15 in which Jesus shares the parable of the vine and branches. Here it is from the Amplified:

4 Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me.

⁵ I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.

⁶ If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a [broken-off] branch, and withers; such branches are gathered up and thrown into the fire, and they are burned.

⁷ If you live in Me [abide vitally united to Me] and My words remain in you and continue to live in your hearts, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you.

I don't know about you but sometimes fruit and tree illustrations are a little beyond my comprehension level since about all I do is see them from a far and I surely don't do any pruning. But because I am semi-technological, I get the idea of a power source being required and in my poor laptop's case, needing to remain vitally united the power cord. The Lord IS my power source but sometimes I come UNPLUGGED or disconnected and have to be PLUGGED back in and sometimes REBOOTED. Abiding is that place of staying PLUGGED IN. Apart from my power source, my laptop can do nothing. Apart from the Lord, I can't do anything either. 

So, let's stay PLUGGED in to THE Power Source. And if for some reason we get DISCONNECTED OR UNPLUGGED, let's plug back in quickly!

Carrying Grace

As I was coming home to rest in between doctor visits, I turned the radio up to listen. K-love, though, was full of static. I hit the button for my CD player only to find a CD I didn't want to listen to at that moment. So I reached for a small stash of CD's and hidden behind an African safari CD (don't ask) was a Hosanna First CD and it simply said "Prophetic Word 11/28/10". I knew this wasn't by chance and so I put it in the player. And here were the words that came through my speaker:

Don’t lose heart at this time says the Lord. Even though the struggles may seem to be difficult they won’t last forever. For this season that you’re going through, I want you to keep walking through. That season won’t last forever says the Lord. Be encouraged and know that I am God and that there is nothing impossible with me. There are times when you must walk down certain roads in order to get on certain highways. I am leading you and guiding you says the Lord. I have not forsaken you neither have I abandoned you and You’re not alone, I am with you. Draw close to me and know that this season of challenges will not last forever for I am bringing you out by the power of My Spirit. Those things that seem so difficult now, as you look up the mountain, you will rejoice as you stand on top of the mountain. For my refreshing is coming says the Lord, and I will minister to you. Draw near to me in this time and don’t get weary in well doing says the Lord. 

I remember this word being ever so needed in 2010 when I heard it the first time but it is just as relevant today! This past Sunday, Pastor spoke another prophetic word and the element that stuck out was that the Lord has not forsaken or abandoned me.

I hear ya Lord, loud and clear! :)

I stand in awe at the Lord's timing and his "carrying grace" (the term He gave me this morning). 

Turn, Turn, Turn

Well, well, well..yes, it has been awhile but here I am! I have told you guys before that this healing journey, while always well worth it, is quite possibly the hardest thing of my life. So, I am learning that there are seasons of debilitating pain, necessary silence, required rest, and then, refreshing recovery. 


With the Lord illuminating the seasons, He led me to re-read Ecclesiastes 3. I have read Ecclesiastes before but I'm gonna be honest, it's not my go-to book of the Bible, it's kind of in the same category as Job to me. It's quite depressing, actually. The author starts the book by talking about how "everything is meaningless." If that's not sobering, I don't know what else is. But in Ecclesiastes 3 we begin to read that there is a time for everything (that's the chapter heading!). You have probably heard the old song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds and they took the words pretty much verbatim from our passage here in Ecclesiastes. Here's how the NIV says it:


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

As I was re-reading this the other day, the verse that says "a time to kill and a time to heal" stood out like me on a mission trip in Africa...or Mexico...or China. I don't know about you but in my mind, a time to kill and a time to heal don't seem like they go together. So, I have been pondering that verse for a few days now. And, while I don't have a definitive answer for us as to the full meaning, I do have some life examples of the last season I have been in as well as some Scripture to help us explore. 

In Galatians 5:24 we are told that "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 


In Galatians 2:20 we are reminded that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."


From these verses, we can identify that in our position as Christ lovers, death has already occurred. We HAVE BEEN crucified, which means it already happened, it's a done deal. What I fail to think about though, is that crucifixion is not only death but it is being KILLED. It is physically impossible to crucify (KILL) oneself, we can't do it. That's God's job and it happens at salvation. God kills our old sinful nature, he crucifies it. What we fail to understand is that in our condition here on Earth, we don't always see or recognize the death of our old nature. We still do a lot of the same things we did before we got saved. We often think the same, have the same attitudes, have the same wrong motives, etc. Oh, we may stop the external, visible things because we are now a Christian and Christian's aren't supposed to do that (as we are quickly told upon entering the church world). But Scripture says we HAVE BEEN crucified so why is our flesh still a problem if it's dead? Why does our flesh feel very much alive? Let's look at another Scripture in Colossians. 


In Colossians 3:5 we are told to "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."


Okay, so....if we have been crucified and our sinful nature is dead, why are we being told by the Apostle Paul to PUT TO DEATH our earthly nature? If something is dead, what is the need for putting it to death? At first, this whole thing can seem confusing and even contradicting as all of these statements were penned by the same guy. But here's a little illustration the Lord just gave me to help us understand. 


While, I don't make it a habit of seeing things like this...have you ever seen a worm get cut in half or a snake get it's head chopped off? Well, if you haven't, consider yourself blessed. If you have, you know that at the chopping off or KILLING (for our purposes), the snake is dead. (He HAVE BEEN killed...pardon my grammar). However, the snake continues to move and even looks alive still because it takes some time for the heart to quit pumping and the snake to realize it's dead. Gross, I know...sorry! But I hope this helps us get the point. 

The PUT TO DEATH part of Colossians is me with the help of the Lord recognizing that I am dead to my earthly, fleshly nature and me allowing the Lord to make that a reality in every area of my condition or life here on earth which feels like death because it is. A time to KILL is necessary for the Christian because unless something or someone is DEAD (and I will add, that they know it)  they can't be raised back to life, which is the ultimate HEALING. Only dead things can be resurrected! 


So, death is becoming a reality in my life. The Lord is showing me things in my life that have not recognized there death yet. Those things are being "put to death" and I know that the next season is further healing. While a time to kill doesn't at first seem to go with a time to heal, death precedes resurrection! I am dead and I am slowly beginning to realize it. I hope you do too! 

Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition

It has been over a month since my last post which is far from normal for me. In the posts leading up to this post-al lapse, I had shared that I was in a place of deep healing and the truth of the matter is, I still am. I have been in a season of quiet and a season of much revelation and quite honestly, I haven't had much to say...well, I haven't had much that I wanted to share, let's put it that way. I have realized that I like to give you guys the posts after the trial or when the season is starting to look up. But this morning I was reading in Soul Repair (one of 4 books I am working through right now) about testimony and how honest and humble testimony about my struggles and God's grace minister more to others than the flowery "Life was bad. God is good. I have no struggles in my life" stories. So, here we go with the honest and humble testimony!

I have shared with you guys the dangerous prayer I prayed in which I asked the Lord to debunk every lie that I have ever believed about myself and about Him. And He has been and is being faithful to answer that prayer.

One of the biggest lies that the Lord has shown me that I believe about myself is that I am my performance. If I perform well, I am good. If I perform poorly, I am bad. My performance is my identity. As such, I, of course, have made it my purpose and goal in life, to only perform well. I perform for myself. I perform to prove my worth to myself, to you and to God. I perform for you to like me and think well of me and ultimately so that you will not reject me. And the hardest pill of all to swallow is that I perform for God. If I pray enough, read my Bible enough, serve enough, fast enough, love enough, deny myself enough, minister enough, and trust enough, then God will accept me.

Now, cognitively, I know that these are all lies. I get it. I see it. I could preach to you about the fact that we are under grace and not under law. I could tell you that God could care less about your performance but just wants you as a person. But the reality is that truth is still getting inside of me. It's still en route to my inner parts. And I believe it will get there!

With this lie being at the forefront of God's latest revelations (well, I guess a deeper revelation is a better way to describe it), I have come to realize that my whole life has been that of performance or seeking approval. I have also realized that I do most things out of this nagging sense of obligation, this sense that if I don't do it, who will? (NOTE: I am not saying service is bad. Please don't misinterpret me. I am saying that our motivations for serving need to be in the right place, not as a route to favor, approval or acceptance.) 

So, as you can imagine, this greater revelation of myself has rocked me to my core. The Lord is stripping me of everything I have known, every place I get approval, every form of service and law and every sense of obligation. My house has been built on sand because it's not my performance that makes me acceptable, it's Jesus. The Lord is doing Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition and we are in demolition mode right now. But the hope of re-building and getting a better than ever, grace-walking Natalie is very real. Ultimately, I wish it only took 7 days and we could yell "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!" I recently read this in one of the books I am reading: No one asks a surgeon after surgery, "How long did it take?" but rather "Did you get it all?" Lord, I want you to get it all! And I look forward to the day when You shout, "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!"

Quiet Love

This healing process is more grueling than I could have ever imagined. When I logged into facebook this morning, I had this little reminder from my friend Beth Moore:

"A broken heart heals when we allow the healing to go as deep as the wound went." - Beth Moore

 

I don't know about you but this explains a lot for me.

 

When I think about it logically, a paper cut tends to heal faster than open heart surgery. Why? Because a paper cut is at the surface, it's more minor. It still hurts like all get out, especially if you put hand sanitizer on your hands or you eat crawfish while you have one of those nicks. Heart surgery is much more invasive, much more delicate and ultimately there is much more at stake. And of course, recovery takes way more time.

 

For curiosity's sake, I just looked up how long physical heart surgery can take. While most of the answers varied, indications were from anywhere from an hour and a half to 8 or more hours, depending on the person and the procedure. That's a major difference. That's the difference between a lunch break at work or a days work. Wow.

 

Throughout this spiritual heart surgery I have been undergoing, I have been asked several times if there is anything I need to do or if I need to forgive my mom or whathaveyou. And while there are times for all of the above, right now, I sense I am to do nothing. I am continuing to sense the Healer's hand, with me on the operating table and Him beckoning me to be still so He can continue the work that only He can accomplish. This surgery is not for a papercut but deep wounds to my spirit from my early childhood.

 

Two memories continue to roll around in my memory. Both are extremely tender these days but I share them in the hopes that they may help you as you journey through healing yourself.

 

One of those memories involves me around age 5 or 6. I wanted to sit on my mom's lap but my sister (who is 9 years older than me) ran over and got in my mom's lap. She began mocking me and saying "She's my momma, she's not your momma!" I yelled the opposite back but after the taunting continued and my mom just laughed at the situation, refusing to do anything, I burst into tears. Only at my obvious distress, did my mom finally push my sister off of her lap and pick me up but by then, I refused to be comforted. A message was sent to my heart and spirit that day, with many messages and lies intricately wound together.

 

The other memory involves me as a Freshman in high school. To make a very long story short, I had written a suicide note after school one day and it accidentally printed into the guidance counselor's office (what luck?!) The next day I was pulled from class by the guidance counselor who questioned me about the letter she had found. She insisted we call my mother. While in her office, we called my mom who basically indicated we would discuss the matter when we got home. That evening when we got home, my mother proceeded to discipline me for having such "stupid thoughts" and dismissed the idea altogether. No comfort, no real questions as to why I would even be considering such ideas.

 

While God has brought some healing and some truth to both experiences during Discovery, I know that there are still wounds there and core lies were established in these scenes. One of those issues is allowing God to truly be My Comforter, a task that can only be accomplished as He brings more healing to those wounds.

 

This evening, I went to my spot at the river. As I laid on the sand and listened to the waves, trying to "be still", I found myself praying a very familiar phrase. I just kept asking the Lord to "quiet me with His love." It almost felt like the prayer was an echo and God reminded me how frequently I have prayed that prayer these last few weeks. The Scripture I am referring to in my prayer is Zephaniah 3:17~

 

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, he will rejoice over you with singing.

 

Oh, I am longing to be able to receive the quiet love of my Father and to be comforted on God's maternal knees (Isaiah 66:12-13 Amplified Bible). Lord, I ask that you continue the surgery and I give you permission to not stop until You are through.  I ask you to forgive me of my sin of seeking healing and not the Healer and I thank you for your grace and forgiveness. I thank you that I WILL KNOW your comfort like never before by the end of this process and I truly will have been QUIETED BY YOUR LOVE. Thank you for the grace needed to continue this journey.

Humpty Dumpty and Me

Humpty Dumpty. Yes, we all know the rhyme from our youth but over the last few months it has been replaying in my mind and heart. For those of you that may need a refresher on the children's rhyme here you go:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses
and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

One day, in the shower (shock and awe!), I started singing this rhyme to a different beat and the Lord started to reveal to me that me and Humpty Dumpty aren't all that different. I went on to sing this:

Now I'm not Humpty but I feel his pain
Broken and hurting in the midst of my pain
All of my efforts
and all of my tries
Couldn't put me back together again

You see, I am a fixer by nature, as many of us are. I like to fix stuff that is broken. I also like to fix people that are broken. And by all means, I try to fix myself, when I am broken. But when I truly stop and think about the futility of trying to fix myself, when often times, my decisions or my pain is what has broken me in the first place, I realize how much my attempts are in vain.

Zechariah 4:6 says, Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty!

We can't fix ourselves! No matter how much we try, no matter how many self-help books we read! No matter how much counseling we receive! (Now, I'm not saying those are bad things but hear the bigger message please!) It is not by might or power. In other words, it's not by what you or I can do to fix ourselves or others. Notice, all of the kings horses and all of the kings men, couldn't put Humpty together again. And as God spoke to me, all of my efforts and all of my tries, couldn't put me back together again. So, what do we do?

I am a very visual person. So, I envision Humpty laying on the side of the wall, me right next to him, simply calling out to the Lord, saying "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Psalm 51:17 says this, The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise.  (NIV)

And I love how The Message says it, Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Yesterday morning at church, God continued the roto-rootering in very similar fashion to the week before as I wept and wailed at the altar again (a very humbling experience). Last night I started singing this new song that God gave me, based on the above scripture.

Broken and Contrite
Here I am God
Here I am
Broken and contrite
Broken and contrite

You said you will not despise my sacrifice
You will not despise my love
Though I'm wounded God
You will heal my heart
You will bind up every wound
You will bind up every wound

This morning, I was singing it in the shower (more shock and awe!) and the Lord gave me this bridge to go with it:

A song of victory is rising up
For I know He will deliver me

The Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme is kind of a bummer if you really stop to think about it. There is no sign of hope, no sign of redemption. But I am thankful that my story doesn't have to end like Humpty's! I serve a God who is gathering all of the broken pieces and is binding up all my wounds! The God of Compassion who is gently and tenderly healing my heart. So, I sing with confidence and boldness:

A song of victory is rising up
For I know He will deliver me!