Carrying Grace

As I was coming home to rest in between doctor visits, I turned the radio up to listen. K-love, though, was full of static. I hit the button for my CD player only to find a CD I didn't want to listen to at that moment. So I reached for a small stash of CD's and hidden behind an African safari CD (don't ask) was a Hosanna First CD and it simply said "Prophetic Word 11/28/10". I knew this wasn't by chance and so I put it in the player. And here were the words that came through my speaker:

Don’t lose heart at this time says the Lord. Even though the struggles may seem to be difficult they won’t last forever. For this season that you’re going through, I want you to keep walking through. That season won’t last forever says the Lord. Be encouraged and know that I am God and that there is nothing impossible with me. There are times when you must walk down certain roads in order to get on certain highways. I am leading you and guiding you says the Lord. I have not forsaken you neither have I abandoned you and You’re not alone, I am with you. Draw close to me and know that this season of challenges will not last forever for I am bringing you out by the power of My Spirit. Those things that seem so difficult now, as you look up the mountain, you will rejoice as you stand on top of the mountain. For my refreshing is coming says the Lord, and I will minister to you. Draw near to me in this time and don’t get weary in well doing says the Lord. 

I remember this word being ever so needed in 2010 when I heard it the first time but it is just as relevant today! This past Sunday, Pastor spoke another prophetic word and the element that stuck out was that the Lord has not forsaken or abandoned me.

I hear ya Lord, loud and clear! :)

I stand in awe at the Lord's timing and his "carrying grace" (the term He gave me this morning). 

Turn, Turn, Turn

Well, well, well..yes, it has been awhile but here I am! I have told you guys before that this healing journey, while always well worth it, is quite possibly the hardest thing of my life. So, I am learning that there are seasons of debilitating pain, necessary silence, required rest, and then, refreshing recovery. 


With the Lord illuminating the seasons, He led me to re-read Ecclesiastes 3. I have read Ecclesiastes before but I'm gonna be honest, it's not my go-to book of the Bible, it's kind of in the same category as Job to me. It's quite depressing, actually. The author starts the book by talking about how "everything is meaningless." If that's not sobering, I don't know what else is. But in Ecclesiastes 3 we begin to read that there is a time for everything (that's the chapter heading!). You have probably heard the old song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds and they took the words pretty much verbatim from our passage here in Ecclesiastes. Here's how the NIV says it:


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

As I was re-reading this the other day, the verse that says "a time to kill and a time to heal" stood out like me on a mission trip in Africa...or Mexico...or China. I don't know about you but in my mind, a time to kill and a time to heal don't seem like they go together. So, I have been pondering that verse for a few days now. And, while I don't have a definitive answer for us as to the full meaning, I do have some life examples of the last season I have been in as well as some Scripture to help us explore. 

In Galatians 5:24 we are told that "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 


In Galatians 2:20 we are reminded that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."


From these verses, we can identify that in our position as Christ lovers, death has already occurred. We HAVE BEEN crucified, which means it already happened, it's a done deal. What I fail to think about though, is that crucifixion is not only death but it is being KILLED. It is physically impossible to crucify (KILL) oneself, we can't do it. That's God's job and it happens at salvation. God kills our old sinful nature, he crucifies it. What we fail to understand is that in our condition here on Earth, we don't always see or recognize the death of our old nature. We still do a lot of the same things we did before we got saved. We often think the same, have the same attitudes, have the same wrong motives, etc. Oh, we may stop the external, visible things because we are now a Christian and Christian's aren't supposed to do that (as we are quickly told upon entering the church world). But Scripture says we HAVE BEEN crucified so why is our flesh still a problem if it's dead? Why does our flesh feel very much alive? Let's look at another Scripture in Colossians. 


In Colossians 3:5 we are told to "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."


Okay, so....if we have been crucified and our sinful nature is dead, why are we being told by the Apostle Paul to PUT TO DEATH our earthly nature? If something is dead, what is the need for putting it to death? At first, this whole thing can seem confusing and even contradicting as all of these statements were penned by the same guy. But here's a little illustration the Lord just gave me to help us understand. 


While, I don't make it a habit of seeing things like this...have you ever seen a worm get cut in half or a snake get it's head chopped off? Well, if you haven't, consider yourself blessed. If you have, you know that at the chopping off or KILLING (for our purposes), the snake is dead. (He HAVE BEEN killed...pardon my grammar). However, the snake continues to move and even looks alive still because it takes some time for the heart to quit pumping and the snake to realize it's dead. Gross, I know...sorry! But I hope this helps us get the point. 

The PUT TO DEATH part of Colossians is me with the help of the Lord recognizing that I am dead to my earthly, fleshly nature and me allowing the Lord to make that a reality in every area of my condition or life here on earth which feels like death because it is. A time to KILL is necessary for the Christian because unless something or someone is DEAD (and I will add, that they know it)  they can't be raised back to life, which is the ultimate HEALING. Only dead things can be resurrected! 


So, death is becoming a reality in my life. The Lord is showing me things in my life that have not recognized there death yet. Those things are being "put to death" and I know that the next season is further healing. While a time to kill doesn't at first seem to go with a time to heal, death precedes resurrection! I am dead and I am slowly beginning to realize it. I hope you do too! 

Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition

It has been over a month since my last post which is far from normal for me. In the posts leading up to this post-al lapse, I had shared that I was in a place of deep healing and the truth of the matter is, I still am. I have been in a season of quiet and a season of much revelation and quite honestly, I haven't had much to say...well, I haven't had much that I wanted to share, let's put it that way. I have realized that I like to give you guys the posts after the trial or when the season is starting to look up. But this morning I was reading in Soul Repair (one of 4 books I am working through right now) about testimony and how honest and humble testimony about my struggles and God's grace minister more to others than the flowery "Life was bad. God is good. I have no struggles in my life" stories. So, here we go with the honest and humble testimony!

I have shared with you guys the dangerous prayer I prayed in which I asked the Lord to debunk every lie that I have ever believed about myself and about Him. And He has been and is being faithful to answer that prayer.

One of the biggest lies that the Lord has shown me that I believe about myself is that I am my performance. If I perform well, I am good. If I perform poorly, I am bad. My performance is my identity. As such, I, of course, have made it my purpose and goal in life, to only perform well. I perform for myself. I perform to prove my worth to myself, to you and to God. I perform for you to like me and think well of me and ultimately so that you will not reject me. And the hardest pill of all to swallow is that I perform for God. If I pray enough, read my Bible enough, serve enough, fast enough, love enough, deny myself enough, minister enough, and trust enough, then God will accept me.

Now, cognitively, I know that these are all lies. I get it. I see it. I could preach to you about the fact that we are under grace and not under law. I could tell you that God could care less about your performance but just wants you as a person. But the reality is that truth is still getting inside of me. It's still en route to my inner parts. And I believe it will get there!

With this lie being at the forefront of God's latest revelations (well, I guess a deeper revelation is a better way to describe it), I have come to realize that my whole life has been that of performance or seeking approval. I have also realized that I do most things out of this nagging sense of obligation, this sense that if I don't do it, who will? (NOTE: I am not saying service is bad. Please don't misinterpret me. I am saying that our motivations for serving need to be in the right place, not as a route to favor, approval or acceptance.) 

So, as you can imagine, this greater revelation of myself has rocked me to my core. The Lord is stripping me of everything I have known, every place I get approval, every form of service and law and every sense of obligation. My house has been built on sand because it's not my performance that makes me acceptable, it's Jesus. The Lord is doing Extreme Makeover: Natalie Edition and we are in demolition mode right now. But the hope of re-building and getting a better than ever, grace-walking Natalie is very real. Ultimately, I wish it only took 7 days and we could yell "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!" I recently read this in one of the books I am reading: No one asks a surgeon after surgery, "How long did it take?" but rather "Did you get it all?" Lord, I want you to get it all! And I look forward to the day when You shout, "Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!"

Quiet Love

This healing process is more grueling than I could have ever imagined. When I logged into facebook this morning, I had this little reminder from my friend Beth Moore:

"A broken heart heals when we allow the healing to go as deep as the wound went." - Beth Moore

 

I don't know about you but this explains a lot for me.

 

When I think about it logically, a paper cut tends to heal faster than open heart surgery. Why? Because a paper cut is at the surface, it's more minor. It still hurts like all get out, especially if you put hand sanitizer on your hands or you eat crawfish while you have one of those nicks. Heart surgery is much more invasive, much more delicate and ultimately there is much more at stake. And of course, recovery takes way more time.

 

For curiosity's sake, I just looked up how long physical heart surgery can take. While most of the answers varied, indications were from anywhere from an hour and a half to 8 or more hours, depending on the person and the procedure. That's a major difference. That's the difference between a lunch break at work or a days work. Wow.

 

Throughout this spiritual heart surgery I have been undergoing, I have been asked several times if there is anything I need to do or if I need to forgive my mom or whathaveyou. And while there are times for all of the above, right now, I sense I am to do nothing. I am continuing to sense the Healer's hand, with me on the operating table and Him beckoning me to be still so He can continue the work that only He can accomplish. This surgery is not for a papercut but deep wounds to my spirit from my early childhood.

 

Two memories continue to roll around in my memory. Both are extremely tender these days but I share them in the hopes that they may help you as you journey through healing yourself.

 

One of those memories involves me around age 5 or 6. I wanted to sit on my mom's lap but my sister (who is 9 years older than me) ran over and got in my mom's lap. She began mocking me and saying "She's my momma, she's not your momma!" I yelled the opposite back but after the taunting continued and my mom just laughed at the situation, refusing to do anything, I burst into tears. Only at my obvious distress, did my mom finally push my sister off of her lap and pick me up but by then, I refused to be comforted. A message was sent to my heart and spirit that day, with many messages and lies intricately wound together.

 

The other memory involves me as a Freshman in high school. To make a very long story short, I had written a suicide note after school one day and it accidentally printed into the guidance counselor's office (what luck?!) The next day I was pulled from class by the guidance counselor who questioned me about the letter she had found. She insisted we call my mother. While in her office, we called my mom who basically indicated we would discuss the matter when we got home. That evening when we got home, my mother proceeded to discipline me for having such "stupid thoughts" and dismissed the idea altogether. No comfort, no real questions as to why I would even be considering such ideas.

 

While God has brought some healing and some truth to both experiences during Discovery, I know that there are still wounds there and core lies were established in these scenes. One of those issues is allowing God to truly be My Comforter, a task that can only be accomplished as He brings more healing to those wounds.

 

This evening, I went to my spot at the river. As I laid on the sand and listened to the waves, trying to "be still", I found myself praying a very familiar phrase. I just kept asking the Lord to "quiet me with His love." It almost felt like the prayer was an echo and God reminded me how frequently I have prayed that prayer these last few weeks. The Scripture I am referring to in my prayer is Zephaniah 3:17~

 

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, he will rejoice over you with singing.

 

Oh, I am longing to be able to receive the quiet love of my Father and to be comforted on God's maternal knees (Isaiah 66:12-13 Amplified Bible). Lord, I ask that you continue the surgery and I give you permission to not stop until You are through.  I ask you to forgive me of my sin of seeking healing and not the Healer and I thank you for your grace and forgiveness. I thank you that I WILL KNOW your comfort like never before by the end of this process and I truly will have been QUIETED BY YOUR LOVE. Thank you for the grace needed to continue this journey.

Humpty Dumpty and Me

Humpty Dumpty. Yes, we all know the rhyme from our youth but over the last few months it has been replaying in my mind and heart. For those of you that may need a refresher on the children's rhyme here you go:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses
and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

One day, in the shower (shock and awe!), I started singing this rhyme to a different beat and the Lord started to reveal to me that me and Humpty Dumpty aren't all that different. I went on to sing this:

Now I'm not Humpty but I feel his pain
Broken and hurting in the midst of my pain
All of my efforts
and all of my tries
Couldn't put me back together again

You see, I am a fixer by nature, as many of us are. I like to fix stuff that is broken. I also like to fix people that are broken. And by all means, I try to fix myself, when I am broken. But when I truly stop and think about the futility of trying to fix myself, when often times, my decisions or my pain is what has broken me in the first place, I realize how much my attempts are in vain.

Zechariah 4:6 says, Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty!

We can't fix ourselves! No matter how much we try, no matter how many self-help books we read! No matter how much counseling we receive! (Now, I'm not saying those are bad things but hear the bigger message please!) It is not by might or power. In other words, it's not by what you or I can do to fix ourselves or others. Notice, all of the kings horses and all of the kings men, couldn't put Humpty together again. And as God spoke to me, all of my efforts and all of my tries, couldn't put me back together again. So, what do we do?

I am a very visual person. So, I envision Humpty laying on the side of the wall, me right next to him, simply calling out to the Lord, saying "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Psalm 51:17 says this, The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise.  (NIV)

And I love how The Message says it, Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Yesterday morning at church, God continued the roto-rootering in very similar fashion to the week before as I wept and wailed at the altar again (a very humbling experience). Last night I started singing this new song that God gave me, based on the above scripture.

Broken and Contrite
Here I am God
Here I am
Broken and contrite
Broken and contrite

You said you will not despise my sacrifice
You will not despise my love
Though I'm wounded God
You will heal my heart
You will bind up every wound
You will bind up every wound

This morning, I was singing it in the shower (more shock and awe!) and the Lord gave me this bridge to go with it:

A song of victory is rising up
For I know He will deliver me

The Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme is kind of a bummer if you really stop to think about it. There is no sign of hope, no sign of redemption. But I am thankful that my story doesn't have to end like Humpty's! I serve a God who is gathering all of the broken pieces and is binding up all my wounds! The God of Compassion who is gently and tenderly healing my heart. So, I sing with confidence and boldness:

A song of victory is rising up
For I know He will deliver me!

Roto Rootered

This is totally a Natalie is processing through her life blog, just FYI.

Sealed and unclogged.

Yesterday, I shared about my terrible Tuesday and the fun that was happening in my bathroom with my geyser-esque toilet and my standing-water shower. I texted my landlady yesterday morning and she assured me her maintenance man would be out to fix both that morning. I held my breath as the shower has been a pestering issue for at least 8 months. Yesterday afternoon, I got a text from my roommate who indicated Roto Rooter would be at the house at some point.

Evidently, the maintenance man wasn't able to fix the shower thus the call to Roto Rooter. However, he did resolve the issue with the toilet which was a broken seal as I was later told. A broken seal....I'm still pondering that one as far as the spiritual correlation.

When I finally got home yesterday, the Roto Rooter van was about to pull out of my driveway. I was unloading groceries and my landlady's husband was checking the bathtub again but water was still standing. He called the Roto Rooter guys and they came right back. Mr. Rooter came in and flushed the tub with hot water and he indicated it was fine now but if we have any more problems to give them a call. My landlady's husband suggested we check it again and we did and this time the water emptied in no time. While we were doing that, he told me that the Roto guys had said that there was stuff way down deep in the water line, not just in the tub pipe. Those things were also hindering the toilet. But they cleared the line and as we soon saw after our tub test, everything was flowing freely.

Stuff way down deep in the water line. I find it interesting how these circumstances in the natural are very much reflecting that which is happening in the spiritual for me. The Holy Spirit is Roto Rootering my heart so that things will flow freely. Scripture says the following in Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for everything you do FLOWS from it.

Now, mind you, I am just processing, but I am wondering if part of my issue has been guarding my heart incorrectly.

I mean, for our physical drain, we have a stopper and we have a hair catcher thingie (yes, that is the technical term). Both have a purpose but neither were really any good with the water line clogged. The hair catcher thingie may have caught some hair but it mattered not because there was so much other junk in the line. And then the stopper wasn't really necessary because the water stopped on its own due to the clog.

For my heart though, I think for too long I have kept the stopper in place, guarding my heart, yes, but preventing the Lord from getting to it completely as well. If I am really honest, I take the stopper off for short intervals but then I put it back on, out of habit, partially. Out of protection seeking, most definitely. I think Sunday was me removing the stopper and now the line is being Roto Rootered by the Holy Spirit. Part of me is thankful that I wasn't home to see the tools the Roto guys used or see the junk that came from that place but I am quite positive I am getting a first hand experience myself instead.

This morning, as I took my shower, I was greatly relieved to not be standing in ankle deep water. The drain worked perfectly and the water exited the shower faster than Speedy Gonzales!

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty excited. But at the same time, it felt strange to not be standing in water during shower time as I have for the past several months. It's definitely going to take a few days to get used to. But I am clinging to the hope that pretty soon, my heart will be unclogged and the water will flow freely. Oh, I look forward to that day!

I end today's blog with the scripture that is now my facebook status and my hope:

But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give your servant the strength to go on, save your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much you love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, as you, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.~Psalm 86:15-17 The Message

Have You Considered My Servant...(Insert Name Here)?

As I was in the shower this morning, once again standing in ankle deep water because my landlady has still yet to fix my tub, I was putting my armor on for my day. I sure am glad it's spiritual armor and not physical armor cuz it sure would be rusty since the shower seems to be the place for my morning application of the armor of God. (If you have no idea what I am referring to, check out Ephesians 6:11-18).

Anyways, as I was putting my armor on the Lord began to speak to me about Job. (UGH!) Now, I don't know about you, but I always put Job on a pedestal of sorts. I mean, he had some horrendous things happen to him and his family. But the Lord wants me to see, as well as you, that we are no different than Job.

I know for me, my first hang-up with Job comes from Job 1:1-

This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.

Right there, I am prone to stop. Blameless and upright?! Really?! But the reality is that I am made blameless and righteous through the blood of Christ, whether I feel blameless and upright or not. I do fear God and I do avoid evil so that part was a little easier to swallow but that first part, sheesh!

As we read further in Job, we see that the angels, God and Satan had a meeting. In that meeting, Satan tells the Lord that he has been roaming he earth. Then the Lord has a seemingly wonderful idea:

Job 1:8 Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

REALLY!? Does God really throw Job into the mouth of the devourer? Does he really recommend that his servant, who loves him, who is blameless and done nothing to deserve the test that will follow be thrown to the lion?

Next is Satan's response to the Lord's idea.

Job 1:9-11 "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."

Basically, Satan said, you keep your kid safe and blessed but if you take away his blessings, he will curse you and not serve you.  BUT God knew how Job would respond. His omnipotence definitely served him well in this moment as he knew what Job would choose even before the test began! The Lord gave permission to Satan to take all of his possessions but to not lay a finger on him (until a later test)

In the next little bit, we see that Job proceeds to have a very bad day. Within 24 hours, he gets word that his animals (his wealth) have either been killed or stolen and then that all of his children have been killed as the house collapses on them. REALLY!? Talk about a terrible day that we can't even really wrap our heads around because it is so far fetched for the majority of us. But this is exactly where the Lord wanted to speak to me this morning.

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. In my last blog, I was extremely transparent as to where I have been the last few weeks in regards to what areas of life God is healing at the present. While Sunday was awesome and much needed, my body has still been recovering from that upheaval of pain. Additionally, I still have had the void where all of that pain was that is waiting to be filled by the Lord.

On Monday, I walked through some forgiveness with my mom but then began to realize that there is still much pain in thinking about her. As I went through my day, I began to recognize that Sunday was really just the beginning of this healing process. I shared this with 2 friends who both offered analogies that seemed to encapsulate the process for me.  One said that the Band-aid's over the wounds have been removed and now the air is hitting them in order for them to be healed. And the other said the drain has been clogged and a big chunk came out but there is more that is to come before the water can flow freely (which is very applicable given my bathtub situation!!). Beautiful word pictures for me to see the process.

Yesterday, I woke up very blue. I brought that to my quiet time but knew that I needed to feel these emotions and not stuff them or pray them away. The Lord revealed that grieving needs to take place in my life. You may think, grieving? Who died? Well, no one per say. But sometimes, we need to grieve the loss of a relationship or in my case, grieve that fact that I did not have a nurturing mother. Yes, I have grace for my mother, knowing that she did the best she could given her own mothering she endured. But at the same time, if the emotions that I have toward her and the fact that I never got to have a relationship like that are not dealt with, they will continue to be a toxic force in our relationship and in my body.

So, with that in mind, I entered my day. I had several client meetings scheduled for the day and my first visit was with my client that has a terrible relationship with her mother. I didn't actually have to deal with the daughter yesterday but with the mother who was going to have her way no matter what. I just wanted to get in and out of there as quickly as possible.

After that semi-intense meeting, I went to see a friend who I hoped would be giving away Free Hugs before I had to travel to my next meeting. I got my hug and then started my hour drive to see my next client.

En route, my check engine light came on and my car began shutting down. I was able to safely pull over but I was very frustrated. You see, last month I had the same problem. I had gotten the sensor replaced but here I was again with a check engine light on and I was not happy about it. To resolve the problem, I had to turn my car off for about 5 minutes before re-starting. I did and thankfully it started so I could make it to my next client's house, which I made it with 1 minute to spare considering my delay. I managed to see my clients without any real drama and managed to make it to Auto Zone for them to do the diagnostic test. The issue was the same as before but the Auto Zone guy said the computer probably had not been erased after the sensor was replaced. He handed me the controller and said I could push Erase but he couldn't. Oh, how I wish I sometimes had an erase button for life! Well, I erased the error code and the engine light went off. Praise the Lord!

Then I went to my friends house but I was so physically and mentally drained I had to come home. I took a nap only to wake up and find ridiculous levels of pain at my head, neck and shoulders. I texted the troops for prayer and one of my friends recommended I take some medicine along with a hot shower to help my body relax from all that has happened lately. So, I obliged thinking it was a pretty great idea. I get out of the very nice hot shower and then used the potty (TMI, sorry!). Within seconds after flushing, water started flowing from the base of the toilet and quickly filled my bathroom. You would know I don't have a mop so I had to find towels and sop up all the water. I then called my landlady who was "at dinner" and told me she would call me back, which she never did. Needless to say, the relaxing shower was very quickly ruined by my geyser toilet.

Now, I don't tell you all of that for you to pity me or even to pity myself. But as the Lord reminded me this morning, He had a nice little chat with Satan and said, "Have you considered my servant Natalie? There is no one on earth like her; she is blameless and upright, a woman who fears God and shuns evil." Job's tests included losing his livestock, his children and even his health as he eventually had painful boils all over his body. Additionally, he had to endure some friends that blamed him for the issues he was dealing with and his wife that was super encouraging (I say that with much sarcasm as she encouraged Job to curse God and die!).

But I have to wonder if the hardest part for Job was the quietness of God. We go through 36 chapters before Job hears God speak. And once God speaks, it's a litany of rhetorical questions for Job basically in regards to God's sovereignty and character. Job definitely did not curse God but he did question his perception of the God that he had claimed to know. In Job 42:1-6 we read the following:

Then Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you and you shall answer me.' MY EARS HAD HEARD OF YOU BUT NOW MY EYES HAVE SEEN YOU. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.

There is much I could say about the above verses but the thing that stands out to me is the depth of relationship Job winds up having with the Lord. A greater level of knowledge of the Lord. Before he had heard about  God and had head knowledge of the Lord. But to have eyes that have seen the Lord is that have a heart that really knows that Lord and has seen the hand of God walk through the fire with you.

And we see in Job 42:12 God eventually brought restoration to Job:

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.

I don't know about you but this rough season is made a lot more hopeful by the knowledge that God told Satan, "Have you considered my servant Natalie? She's a great candidate for a test because the things that you mean to destroy her will only make her stronger and cause her to have a much deeper relationship with me."

God may insert your name in that question very soon, if it's not already in there. But be encouraged that the end result is a deeper relationship with the Lord. That's what I am clinging to and I hope you can too!