Quiet Love

This healing process is more grueling than I could have ever imagined. When I logged into facebook this morning, I had this little reminder from my friend Beth Moore:

"A broken heart heals when we allow the healing to go as deep as the wound went." - Beth Moore

 

I don't know about you but this explains a lot for me.

 

When I think about it logically, a paper cut tends to heal faster than open heart surgery. Why? Because a paper cut is at the surface, it's more minor. It still hurts like all get out, especially if you put hand sanitizer on your hands or you eat crawfish while you have one of those nicks. Heart surgery is much more invasive, much more delicate and ultimately there is much more at stake. And of course, recovery takes way more time.

 

For curiosity's sake, I just looked up how long physical heart surgery can take. While most of the answers varied, indications were from anywhere from an hour and a half to 8 or more hours, depending on the person and the procedure. That's a major difference. That's the difference between a lunch break at work or a days work. Wow.

 

Throughout this spiritual heart surgery I have been undergoing, I have been asked several times if there is anything I need to do or if I need to forgive my mom or whathaveyou. And while there are times for all of the above, right now, I sense I am to do nothing. I am continuing to sense the Healer's hand, with me on the operating table and Him beckoning me to be still so He can continue the work that only He can accomplish. This surgery is not for a papercut but deep wounds to my spirit from my early childhood.

 

Two memories continue to roll around in my memory. Both are extremely tender these days but I share them in the hopes that they may help you as you journey through healing yourself.

 

One of those memories involves me around age 5 or 6. I wanted to sit on my mom's lap but my sister (who is 9 years older than me) ran over and got in my mom's lap. She began mocking me and saying "She's my momma, she's not your momma!" I yelled the opposite back but after the taunting continued and my mom just laughed at the situation, refusing to do anything, I burst into tears. Only at my obvious distress, did my mom finally push my sister off of her lap and pick me up but by then, I refused to be comforted. A message was sent to my heart and spirit that day, with many messages and lies intricately wound together.

 

The other memory involves me as a Freshman in high school. To make a very long story short, I had written a suicide note after school one day and it accidentally printed into the guidance counselor's office (what luck?!) The next day I was pulled from class by the guidance counselor who questioned me about the letter she had found. She insisted we call my mother. While in her office, we called my mom who basically indicated we would discuss the matter when we got home. That evening when we got home, my mother proceeded to discipline me for having such "stupid thoughts" and dismissed the idea altogether. No comfort, no real questions as to why I would even be considering such ideas.

 

While God has brought some healing and some truth to both experiences during Discovery, I know that there are still wounds there and core lies were established in these scenes. One of those issues is allowing God to truly be My Comforter, a task that can only be accomplished as He brings more healing to those wounds.

 

This evening, I went to my spot at the river. As I laid on the sand and listened to the waves, trying to "be still", I found myself praying a very familiar phrase. I just kept asking the Lord to "quiet me with His love." It almost felt like the prayer was an echo and God reminded me how frequently I have prayed that prayer these last few weeks. The Scripture I am referring to in my prayer is Zephaniah 3:17~

 

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, he will rejoice over you with singing.

 

Oh, I am longing to be able to receive the quiet love of my Father and to be comforted on God's maternal knees (Isaiah 66:12-13 Amplified Bible). Lord, I ask that you continue the surgery and I give you permission to not stop until You are through.  I ask you to forgive me of my sin of seeking healing and not the Healer and I thank you for your grace and forgiveness. I thank you that I WILL KNOW your comfort like never before by the end of this process and I truly will have been QUIETED BY YOUR LOVE. Thank you for the grace needed to continue this journey.

Humpty Dumpty and Me

Humpty Dumpty. Yes, we all know the rhyme from our youth but over the last few months it has been replaying in my mind and heart. For those of you that may need a refresher on the children's rhyme here you go:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses
and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

One day, in the shower (shock and awe!), I started singing this rhyme to a different beat and the Lord started to reveal to me that me and Humpty Dumpty aren't all that different. I went on to sing this:

Now I'm not Humpty but I feel his pain
Broken and hurting in the midst of my pain
All of my efforts
and all of my tries
Couldn't put me back together again

You see, I am a fixer by nature, as many of us are. I like to fix stuff that is broken. I also like to fix people that are broken. And by all means, I try to fix myself, when I am broken. But when I truly stop and think about the futility of trying to fix myself, when often times, my decisions or my pain is what has broken me in the first place, I realize how much my attempts are in vain.

Zechariah 4:6 says, Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty!

We can't fix ourselves! No matter how much we try, no matter how many self-help books we read! No matter how much counseling we receive! (Now, I'm not saying those are bad things but hear the bigger message please!) It is not by might or power. In other words, it's not by what you or I can do to fix ourselves or others. Notice, all of the kings horses and all of the kings men, couldn't put Humpty together again. And as God spoke to me, all of my efforts and all of my tries, couldn't put me back together again. So, what do we do?

I am a very visual person. So, I envision Humpty laying on the side of the wall, me right next to him, simply calling out to the Lord, saying "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Psalm 51:17 says this, The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise.  (NIV)

And I love how The Message says it, Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Yesterday morning at church, God continued the roto-rootering in very similar fashion to the week before as I wept and wailed at the altar again (a very humbling experience). Last night I started singing this new song that God gave me, based on the above scripture.

Broken and Contrite
Here I am God
Here I am
Broken and contrite
Broken and contrite

You said you will not despise my sacrifice
You will not despise my love
Though I'm wounded God
You will heal my heart
You will bind up every wound
You will bind up every wound

This morning, I was singing it in the shower (more shock and awe!) and the Lord gave me this bridge to go with it:

A song of victory is rising up
For I know He will deliver me

The Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme is kind of a bummer if you really stop to think about it. There is no sign of hope, no sign of redemption. But I am thankful that my story doesn't have to end like Humpty's! I serve a God who is gathering all of the broken pieces and is binding up all my wounds! The God of Compassion who is gently and tenderly healing my heart. So, I sing with confidence and boldness:

A song of victory is rising up
For I know He will deliver me!

Roto Rootered

This is totally a Natalie is processing through her life blog, just FYI.

Sealed and unclogged.

Yesterday, I shared about my terrible Tuesday and the fun that was happening in my bathroom with my geyser-esque toilet and my standing-water shower. I texted my landlady yesterday morning and she assured me her maintenance man would be out to fix both that morning. I held my breath as the shower has been a pestering issue for at least 8 months. Yesterday afternoon, I got a text from my roommate who indicated Roto Rooter would be at the house at some point.

Evidently, the maintenance man wasn't able to fix the shower thus the call to Roto Rooter. However, he did resolve the issue with the toilet which was a broken seal as I was later told. A broken seal....I'm still pondering that one as far as the spiritual correlation.

When I finally got home yesterday, the Roto Rooter van was about to pull out of my driveway. I was unloading groceries and my landlady's husband was checking the bathtub again but water was still standing. He called the Roto Rooter guys and they came right back. Mr. Rooter came in and flushed the tub with hot water and he indicated it was fine now but if we have any more problems to give them a call. My landlady's husband suggested we check it again and we did and this time the water emptied in no time. While we were doing that, he told me that the Roto guys had said that there was stuff way down deep in the water line, not just in the tub pipe. Those things were also hindering the toilet. But they cleared the line and as we soon saw after our tub test, everything was flowing freely.

Stuff way down deep in the water line. I find it interesting how these circumstances in the natural are very much reflecting that which is happening in the spiritual for me. The Holy Spirit is Roto Rootering my heart so that things will flow freely. Scripture says the following in Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for everything you do FLOWS from it.

Now, mind you, I am just processing, but I am wondering if part of my issue has been guarding my heart incorrectly.

I mean, for our physical drain, we have a stopper and we have a hair catcher thingie (yes, that is the technical term). Both have a purpose but neither were really any good with the water line clogged. The hair catcher thingie may have caught some hair but it mattered not because there was so much other junk in the line. And then the stopper wasn't really necessary because the water stopped on its own due to the clog.

For my heart though, I think for too long I have kept the stopper in place, guarding my heart, yes, but preventing the Lord from getting to it completely as well. If I am really honest, I take the stopper off for short intervals but then I put it back on, out of habit, partially. Out of protection seeking, most definitely. I think Sunday was me removing the stopper and now the line is being Roto Rootered by the Holy Spirit. Part of me is thankful that I wasn't home to see the tools the Roto guys used or see the junk that came from that place but I am quite positive I am getting a first hand experience myself instead.

This morning, as I took my shower, I was greatly relieved to not be standing in ankle deep water. The drain worked perfectly and the water exited the shower faster than Speedy Gonzales!

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty excited. But at the same time, it felt strange to not be standing in water during shower time as I have for the past several months. It's definitely going to take a few days to get used to. But I am clinging to the hope that pretty soon, my heart will be unclogged and the water will flow freely. Oh, I look forward to that day!

I end today's blog with the scripture that is now my facebook status and my hope:

But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give your servant the strength to go on, save your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much you love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, as you, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.~Psalm 86:15-17 The Message

Have You Considered My Servant...(Insert Name Here)?

As I was in the shower this morning, once again standing in ankle deep water because my landlady has still yet to fix my tub, I was putting my armor on for my day. I sure am glad it's spiritual armor and not physical armor cuz it sure would be rusty since the shower seems to be the place for my morning application of the armor of God. (If you have no idea what I am referring to, check out Ephesians 6:11-18).

Anyways, as I was putting my armor on the Lord began to speak to me about Job. (UGH!) Now, I don't know about you, but I always put Job on a pedestal of sorts. I mean, he had some horrendous things happen to him and his family. But the Lord wants me to see, as well as you, that we are no different than Job.

I know for me, my first hang-up with Job comes from Job 1:1-

This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.

Right there, I am prone to stop. Blameless and upright?! Really?! But the reality is that I am made blameless and righteous through the blood of Christ, whether I feel blameless and upright or not. I do fear God and I do avoid evil so that part was a little easier to swallow but that first part, sheesh!

As we read further in Job, we see that the angels, God and Satan had a meeting. In that meeting, Satan tells the Lord that he has been roaming he earth. Then the Lord has a seemingly wonderful idea:

Job 1:8 Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

REALLY!? Does God really throw Job into the mouth of the devourer? Does he really recommend that his servant, who loves him, who is blameless and done nothing to deserve the test that will follow be thrown to the lion?

Next is Satan's response to the Lord's idea.

Job 1:9-11 "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."

Basically, Satan said, you keep your kid safe and blessed but if you take away his blessings, he will curse you and not serve you.  BUT God knew how Job would respond. His omnipotence definitely served him well in this moment as he knew what Job would choose even before the test began! The Lord gave permission to Satan to take all of his possessions but to not lay a finger on him (until a later test)

In the next little bit, we see that Job proceeds to have a very bad day. Within 24 hours, he gets word that his animals (his wealth) have either been killed or stolen and then that all of his children have been killed as the house collapses on them. REALLY!? Talk about a terrible day that we can't even really wrap our heads around because it is so far fetched for the majority of us. But this is exactly where the Lord wanted to speak to me this morning.

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. In my last blog, I was extremely transparent as to where I have been the last few weeks in regards to what areas of life God is healing at the present. While Sunday was awesome and much needed, my body has still been recovering from that upheaval of pain. Additionally, I still have had the void where all of that pain was that is waiting to be filled by the Lord.

On Monday, I walked through some forgiveness with my mom but then began to realize that there is still much pain in thinking about her. As I went through my day, I began to recognize that Sunday was really just the beginning of this healing process. I shared this with 2 friends who both offered analogies that seemed to encapsulate the process for me.  One said that the Band-aid's over the wounds have been removed and now the air is hitting them in order for them to be healed. And the other said the drain has been clogged and a big chunk came out but there is more that is to come before the water can flow freely (which is very applicable given my bathtub situation!!). Beautiful word pictures for me to see the process.

Yesterday, I woke up very blue. I brought that to my quiet time but knew that I needed to feel these emotions and not stuff them or pray them away. The Lord revealed that grieving needs to take place in my life. You may think, grieving? Who died? Well, no one per say. But sometimes, we need to grieve the loss of a relationship or in my case, grieve that fact that I did not have a nurturing mother. Yes, I have grace for my mother, knowing that she did the best she could given her own mothering she endured. But at the same time, if the emotions that I have toward her and the fact that I never got to have a relationship like that are not dealt with, they will continue to be a toxic force in our relationship and in my body.

So, with that in mind, I entered my day. I had several client meetings scheduled for the day and my first visit was with my client that has a terrible relationship with her mother. I didn't actually have to deal with the daughter yesterday but with the mother who was going to have her way no matter what. I just wanted to get in and out of there as quickly as possible.

After that semi-intense meeting, I went to see a friend who I hoped would be giving away Free Hugs before I had to travel to my next meeting. I got my hug and then started my hour drive to see my next client.

En route, my check engine light came on and my car began shutting down. I was able to safely pull over but I was very frustrated. You see, last month I had the same problem. I had gotten the sensor replaced but here I was again with a check engine light on and I was not happy about it. To resolve the problem, I had to turn my car off for about 5 minutes before re-starting. I did and thankfully it started so I could make it to my next client's house, which I made it with 1 minute to spare considering my delay. I managed to see my clients without any real drama and managed to make it to Auto Zone for them to do the diagnostic test. The issue was the same as before but the Auto Zone guy said the computer probably had not been erased after the sensor was replaced. He handed me the controller and said I could push Erase but he couldn't. Oh, how I wish I sometimes had an erase button for life! Well, I erased the error code and the engine light went off. Praise the Lord!

Then I went to my friends house but I was so physically and mentally drained I had to come home. I took a nap only to wake up and find ridiculous levels of pain at my head, neck and shoulders. I texted the troops for prayer and one of my friends recommended I take some medicine along with a hot shower to help my body relax from all that has happened lately. So, I obliged thinking it was a pretty great idea. I get out of the very nice hot shower and then used the potty (TMI, sorry!). Within seconds after flushing, water started flowing from the base of the toilet and quickly filled my bathroom. You would know I don't have a mop so I had to find towels and sop up all the water. I then called my landlady who was "at dinner" and told me she would call me back, which she never did. Needless to say, the relaxing shower was very quickly ruined by my geyser toilet.

Now, I don't tell you all of that for you to pity me or even to pity myself. But as the Lord reminded me this morning, He had a nice little chat with Satan and said, "Have you considered my servant Natalie? There is no one on earth like her; she is blameless and upright, a woman who fears God and shuns evil." Job's tests included losing his livestock, his children and even his health as he eventually had painful boils all over his body. Additionally, he had to endure some friends that blamed him for the issues he was dealing with and his wife that was super encouraging (I say that with much sarcasm as she encouraged Job to curse God and die!).

But I have to wonder if the hardest part for Job was the quietness of God. We go through 36 chapters before Job hears God speak. And once God speaks, it's a litany of rhetorical questions for Job basically in regards to God's sovereignty and character. Job definitely did not curse God but he did question his perception of the God that he had claimed to know. In Job 42:1-6 we read the following:

Then Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you and you shall answer me.' MY EARS HAD HEARD OF YOU BUT NOW MY EYES HAVE SEEN YOU. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.

There is much I could say about the above verses but the thing that stands out to me is the depth of relationship Job winds up having with the Lord. A greater level of knowledge of the Lord. Before he had heard about  God and had head knowledge of the Lord. But to have eyes that have seen the Lord is that have a heart that really knows that Lord and has seen the hand of God walk through the fire with you.

And we see in Job 42:12 God eventually brought restoration to Job:

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.

I don't know about you but this rough season is made a lot more hopeful by the knowledge that God told Satan, "Have you considered my servant Natalie? She's a great candidate for a test because the things that you mean to destroy her will only make her stronger and cause her to have a much deeper relationship with me."

God may insert your name in that question very soon, if it's not already in there. But be encouraged that the end result is a deeper relationship with the Lord. That's what I am clinging to and I hope you can too!

Fought For

I am about to put my heart out here in this blog today but if it ministers to just one person it will be worth it!

My week began on Monday morning with God calling me out on a pride issue, via my dear friend, Joyce Meyer. I clicked on a link that said, "God is in Control" because I always can use that reminder. But it turned out to be the Lord setting me up! I was re-directed to one of Joyce's sermons but it was not titled "God is in Control" but rather "Characteristics of Humility". Well, my immediate reaction was to find another more applicable sermon to watch however, I felt like the Lord wanted me to hear what Joyce had to say in this message. After some time, Joyce said, "Impatience is a manifestation of pride." OUCH! That was a truth that very much hurt in that moment because I have been quite impatient with the Lord and his timing. He was not acting as fast as I wanted or bringing the revelation that I wanted when I wanted it. (Notice how many times I said "I wanted"!) So, after that sucker punch from Joyce and the Holy Spirit, I quickly repented.

After my truth encounter, I had to go to the doctor who confirmed that I had a yeast infection, urinary tract infection and an ovarian cyst. The terrible three as I affectionately called them.

On my way home from the doctor, my friend Tonja was sitting outside on her patio (we live on the same street). She waved me down to stop and I knew that I was being set up by the Lord. We started chatting and I shared with her the morning's events. In regards to the physical issues, she asked, "What's up with that? You think it could be spiritual?" I told her it very well could be and shared my pride revelation that morning. She put me on pause and went inside coming out with a book. The book was called A More Excellent Way and Tonja explained that it was written by a minister who travels around as God leads and God will use this man to bring healing to people, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The man has found that in many cases, there is a link between the three.

After Tonja's mini explanation, she looked up "ovarian cysts". I was shocked to hear as Tonja read the definition that the spiritual root was "unresolved issues with the mother!" She asked if that was accurate and in that moment the Lord began putting pieces together. I had just had family time on Friday and I found myself growing increasingly frustrated with my mother and I didn't know why. So, this body and spirit connection made sense.

The next thing we looked up was "yeast infection" which wasn't in the book but God spoke to my heart and said "the yeast of the Pharisees". The Pharisees of Jesus' day had issues with pride and being religious. Of course, this made sense considering my Joyce issue earlier that morning.

Tonja gave me the book to look through and I looked up "fibromyalgia" since I was once given that diagnosis and I still have pain associated with it. Fibromyalgia was said to be the result of "fear, anxiety and stress" and that "the fear is beyond the realm of consciousness." The book went on to say "the spiritual root can be found in females who don't feel covered, protected, nurtured, don't feel safe, are always looking over their shoulder, are driven, anxious, moving the pieces of their life around and are insecure." WOW! So has been my story, especially in regards to my parents!

After trying to take in the above revelation, Tonja and I talked about needing to cry out to the Lord. I told her like I felt like I had been but she sensed I needed to scream and cry and get it all out. I told her I didn't feel safe to do that just yet.

Monday night, I felt like God wanted me to re-read a book called Why You Do the Things You Do which is God being funny again because the book is psychology meets Christianity and is all about a child's attachment to their MOTHER and how it relates to relationships later on in life. (I highly recommend this book by the way!)

Tuesday morning during my quiet time, I was trying to figure out what the connection was between God and my mother. Usually we hear of our father issues impacting our relationship with God, not mother issues. I've even told people that dad relationships affect how we see God but mom relationships affect how we see others. So, with that knowledge base, I was stumped as to how there was a connection so I went to the Word. I looked up "Mother" in my concordance and found Isaiah 66:12-13 which reads like this in the Amplified:

For thus says the Lord: Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; then you will be nursed, you will be carried on her hip and trotted [lovingly bounced up and down] on her [God's maternal] knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.

Did you see that!?!? GOD'S MATERNAL KNEES!!!! There was my connection! My issues with my mother have not allowed me to receive the comfort of the Lord. And the reality is that mothers, well both
parents are supposed to fight for their children as well and as a result of my past, I have not felt fought for by either of my parents and I had dealt with that in regards to my dad but not my mom. It is so very important for you to know you are SOMEONE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!

After this revelation, it was abundantly clear to me that an unresolved mother issue was at hand. Other events of the week included further confirmation and further revelation which came via: the best conversation my sister and I have ever had that brought much revelation about both of our mother issues; my cell phone declaring "connection failed" which illustrated again the lack of nurturing I received; and then Beth Moore's teaching from the week on "Family Calamity and Restoration"! REALLY!? I think God was trying to get my attention!

Yesterday was a zoo trip with my entire family and almost at the start of my time with them, I was frustrated but with my mom in particular. The day went on and I found God dealing with me on my frustration and impatience (PRIDE!). By the time the day was over, I was frazzled which is just where God wanted me.

This morning, my pastor conveniently shared about struggling with God and that surrender was needed. Before he even finished altar call, I was on my face weeping before the Lord. I was surrendering and I finally was able to cry out to the Lord for Him to take all of the pain associated with my mother (mind you, this is like round 7 of dealing with mother issues but it's another level). I wept and screamed as all of the pain came forth (totally a humbling and non-Pharisee moment). Some precious sisters from my church were praying over me when I heard Tonja's voice say, "God is cutting the umbilical cord between you and your mother because it didn't provide nourishment and He is reconnecting it with Himself." That would explain the excruciating emotional pain I was in at that moment. After what seemed like days of screaming and wailing, the Lord brought peace and quieted me with His love. I returned to my pew where another sister from my church prayed over me and told me God says, "I am fighting for you!" HOW AWESOME! That was just what I needed! Of course, pastor had used that Scripture in his sermon and here it is for YOU!

Ex 14:13-14 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

I am FOUGHT FOR! The Lord continues to fight for me as my healing journey continues!

YOU are fought for!!!!! Your parents may not have fought for you either. Your husband may not have fought for you. Your friends might not fight for you. You may not feel fought for but oh friend, YOU ARE BEING FOUGHT FOR! The God of the universe is fighting for us! The battle does not belong to us! It belongs to the Lord and He is way beyond capable of fighting on our behalf!

However, God waits for us to give the reigns over to Him. Will you stop fighting and be still today so the Lord can fight for you?? I stopped fighting this morning when I laid on the floor at the altar and said over and over, "God, I surrender!" "God, I surrender!" God was faithful and met me in that moment and took away so much pain, so much that I am actually feeling a little bit like a hollow Easter bunny as I wait for God to fill me back up. I know He will do the same for you! Be encouraged my friend, YOU ARE FOUGHT FOR!

Daddy's Got Me!

Another level means more healing. More healing means more lies coming to the surface to be dealt with. A hard road to travel some days. I am perpetually reminded though, as each lie is revealed to me, about the prayer I prayed last summer. From the depths of my soul came a very dangerous prayer. I simply prayed for the Lord to debunk (tear down or show something to be false) every lie that I have ever believed about myself and about Him. He has been faithful and gracious enough to answer that prayer ever since the words came from my heart and lips.

This week has been a rather rough one, in the spiritual sense, as God continues to expose more lies and walk me through places of my heart that still need His healing touch. Yesterday and the day before were particularly painful days. During my quiet time with the Lord yesterday, I came upon this Scripture in The Message paraphrase that so captured my state at the time.

I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out, blinded by tears of pain and frustration. I call to you God, all day I call. I wring my hands, I plead for help.~Ps 88:9 The Message

 

As always, God hears my pleas for help and allowed me to meet with my prayer partner, my friend that lays out the truth and encourages my heart and spirit. While I cried through most of my time with her, I walked away with some revelations. One of those revelations was that while I was in a seemingly familiar place, I was and am NEW in that place. The feelings of the present don't undermine all of the healing that God has done in my life to this point. The victories of the Lord can never be negated! And then she reminded me that even in the midst of this season, I have had victories. I have not reverted back to old ways or patterns and THAT IS HUGE!

 

As my day continued, I received an email from a friend that included a sound clip from Finding Nemo the "find a happy place" line. As I smiled, I continued to click on the other sound clips from the movie and I came across another line that God used to speak volumes to me! The line was:

 

"It's OK, daddy's here. Daddy's got you!"

 

WOW! WOW! WOW! It was my Heavenly Papa was speaking in that moment directly to my heart!

HE'S GOT ME! He's got you! I am still in the season, still in the rough part of the journey, BUT He said it's OK, He's here and He's got me!

 

Here's the sound clip link if you want to hear it for yourself!

http://www.hark.com/clips/qyqcwqscgm-daddys-here

Oh where, oh where has my big God gone?

I haven't really written much lately because I have been "trying to figure some things out!" Well, we all know how that goes! I get so consumed in fixing the "issue" that I lose sight of the bigger Issue. But before I go into that, let me sing my little diddy about how I have felt in this season, well really the last 2 weeks.

"Oh where, oh where has my big God gone? Oh where, oh where can He be?"

Since about January of this year, I have been in a different season, one that I have not been too particularly fond of. My "issue" for the past 3 months has been the "quietness" of God or the seeming "lack of His presence." I started out great in the season (don't we always!). God had kind of given me a little warning, indicating that on Discovery Birmingham, He would be guiding me by His voice only, which He very much did. Then He perpetually reminded me to "Walk by faith, not by sight!" Again, I was good with that reminder and even reminded myself frequently. But then the day came, about 2 weeks ago, when I realized I was frustrated. I wanted the Lord's presence more than anything. I was at the altar in church, crying out for just a second of His presence. I felt like the psalmist is Psalm 84:10 which said, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand anywhere else." You and I both know that there is nothing like the presence of the Lord!

That same morning at the altar, the Lord spoke (again, He had been speaking but not as much as I like!). He said the words, "I am not giving you the silent treatment." At that, I broke. I was reminded of my earthly father who when he was upset or angry with me, he would give me the silent treatment and withhold his love from me. Despite all of the lies that God has had me deal with, there are still plenty that revolve around how I see Him in light of my earthly father. Additionally, there are many truths in Scripture that have not become revelation for me either.

You see, God says that, "he will never leave me nor forsake me". (Heb 13:5) But when I don't "FEEL" Him, I think He has left the building because of something I have done or because He is tired of dealing with me. Then I "FEEL" abandoned and rejected and then I am prone to turn to other people or things to find love and acceptance. In processing through all of this, I have come to a "conclusion about the Lord". I believe He has a cloaking device that He is able to utilize that makes it seem like He has left only to see how we will respond. Because the reality is that He can't leave me or forsake me. He is omnipotent and omnipresent. He is everywhere at all times so He is unable to leave me!

He is bringing revelation to all of the above, slowly but surely. I definitely don't have it all figured out BUT I am finding more grace in the waiting and more maturity in listening to the whispers of His voice. So, it's not so much an issue of a God who is seemingly MIA but rather a really intense and great game of hide and seek. He's "hiding" and I am seeking! The great news is that He promised that if I seek Him, I will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13)!

Pretty soon, I'll have a different diddy to sing and my guess is it will sound like this, "I've found a love greater than life itself!" :)