"A broken heart heals when we allow the healing to go as deep as the wound went." - Beth Moore
I don't know about you but this explains a lot for me.
When I think about it logically, a paper cut tends to heal faster than open heart surgery. Why? Because a paper cut is at the surface, it's more minor. It still hurts like all get out, especially if you put hand sanitizer on your hands or you eat crawfish while you have one of those nicks. Heart surgery is much more invasive, much more delicate and ultimately there is much more at stake. And of course, recovery takes way more time.
For curiosity's sake, I just looked up how long physical heart surgery can take. While most of the answers varied, indications were from anywhere from an hour and a half to 8 or more hours, depending on the person and the procedure. That's a major difference. That's the difference between a lunch break at work or a days work. Wow.
Throughout this spiritual heart surgery I have been undergoing, I have been asked several times if there is anything I need to do or if I need to forgive my mom or whathaveyou. And while there are times for all of the above, right now, I sense I am to do nothing. I am continuing to sense the Healer's hand, with me on the operating table and Him beckoning me to be still so He can continue the work that only He can accomplish. This surgery is not for a papercut but deep wounds to my spirit from my early childhood.
Two memories continue to roll around in my memory. Both are extremely tender these days but I share them in the hopes that they may help you as you journey through healing yourself.
One of those memories involves me around age 5 or 6. I wanted to sit on my mom's lap but my sister (who is 9 years older than me) ran over and got in my mom's lap. She began mocking me and saying "She's my momma, she's not your momma!" I yelled the opposite back but after the taunting continued and my mom just laughed at the situation, refusing to do anything, I burst into tears. Only at my obvious distress, did my mom finally push my sister off of her lap and pick me up but by then, I refused to be comforted. A message was sent to my heart and spirit that day, with many messages and lies intricately wound together.
The other memory involves me as a Freshman in high school. To make a very long story short, I had written a suicide note after school one day and it accidentally printed into the guidance counselor's office (what luck?!) The next day I was pulled from class by the guidance counselor who questioned me about the letter she had found. She insisted we call my mother. While in her office, we called my mom who basically indicated we would discuss the matter when we got home. That evening when we got home, my mother proceeded to discipline me for having such "stupid thoughts" and dismissed the idea altogether. No comfort, no real questions as to why I would even be considering such ideas.
While God has brought some healing and some truth to both experiences during Discovery, I know that there are still wounds there and core lies were established in these scenes. One of those issues is allowing God to truly be My Comforter, a task that can only be accomplished as He brings more healing to those wounds.
This evening, I went to my spot at the river. As I laid on the sand and listened to the waves, trying to "be still", I found myself praying a very familiar phrase. I just kept asking the Lord to "quiet me with His love." It almost felt like the prayer was an echo and God reminded me how frequently I have prayed that prayer these last few weeks. The Scripture I am referring to in my prayer is Zephaniah 3:17~
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Oh, I am longing to be able to receive the quiet love of my Father and to be comforted on God's maternal knees (Isaiah 66:12-13 Amplified Bible). Lord, I ask that you continue the surgery and I give you permission to not stop until You are through. I ask you to forgive me of my sin of seeking healing and not the Healer and I thank you for your grace and forgiveness. I thank you that I WILL KNOW your comfort like never before by the end of this process and I truly will have been QUIETED BY YOUR LOVE. Thank you for the grace needed to continue this journey.
Thank you for your transparency Natalie! I watch how you are allowing the Lord to take you day by day, week by week into His surgery room and do what only He can do, heal a heart! For certain it will be done because HE who began a good work in you will certainly complete the work. I PTL for all the He is doing in and through your life. Love you much! me :>)
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